Well hush my mouth and slather me in grits! A very important person just payed a call using the following Google search string:

Nike football Alabama

Anybody care to guess who that V.I.P. was?

Date: 30 November Time: 12:44:47

I.P address: 146.197.243.16

Country: United States

City: Beaverton, Oregon

ISP: Nike Incorporated

That’s right–she’s baaaack!

No, really, I want even charge a consulting fee. Just rain down on me a pair of those sweet Air Max 360s.

Several have arrived at Ocular Fusion this morning using the following Google search string:

Tracking Paul Bryant Jr.’s plane.

You got the right one baby! Ocular Fusion–good for all your plane-tracking needs.

If you’re interested in following the latest Spurrier/Bama scuttlebutt, this site is probably your best source of unconfirmed rumors in the blogosphere. The folks posting and commenting there are among the most sleep-deprived and bourbon-stoked in the Bama Nation, so check it out.

But then again, maybe you’re interested in applying for the Alabama job yourself. If so, you’ll need to fill out this application. Be sure to type or print clearly.

Finally, I can state for a fact (because I heard him say it with my own ears) that former Tide center and Shula teammate Hoss Johnson has categorically denied having been contacted by the University regarding the coaching opening, despite earlier rumors that Paul Bryant, Jr.’s plane had been spotted at Huntsville International Airport.

With all the upcoming holiday parties, Hoss just couldn’t take the time away from his booming BBQ business anyway.

I just received this shocking email from a source, some guy who calls himself “Roll Skywalker:”

Paul Jr’s plane just touched down on the Death Star.

That can only mean one thing: Darth Visor.

And now these tantalizing and titillating tidbits from two top-level sources, Anonymous Insider #1 and Anonymous Insider #2:

USC’s plane N351GC has made two trips to Teterboro, NJ (10 miles from Rutgers’ campus) since Saturday’s game. Looks like SS goes to Bama, and USC is trying to get the inside track on Greg Schiano.

T-Town had a flight that left tonight just landed in Teterboro 30 min ago N46E

For the uninitiated, “T-Town” is Tuscaloosa, USC refers to the University of South Carolina, not the Trojans, and SS stands for Steve Spurrier, not Schutzstaffel (at least I think).

Planes are landing everywhere, and now all eyes are on Teterboro, New Jersey.

A plane registered to the “Tide Pride” boosters was spotted in Greenbrier, West Virginia on Sunday morning–before Shula was officially fired.

Rodriguez? Beamer?

This is more fun than a barrel of Volunteers.

Has anyone out there spotted Paul Bryant Jr.’s plane?

If so, then please do tell. The more creative, the better.

To all you Bama and Texas Longhorn fans who stopped by yesterday (and who are still showing up today) scouring for scuttlebutt on Mike Shula’s replacement–thank you very much.

Not since the Nancy Grace/Church of Christ fiasco last March has my sitemeter sang such soaring soprano; 348 unique visitors, 597 page loads–an all-time Ocular Fusion record.

It seems that my post on Shula’s firing was hooked, so to speak, to a Texas message board mainly due to my passing on the rumor about Paul Bryant Jr.’s jet sighting in Austin and speculation over whether or not some university representative was there to pitch the Alabama job to Texas HC Mack Brown.

All of which, of course, is highly unlikely. But since bloggers are not held to the same scrupulous journalistic standards as a major media outlet like, let’s say, The New York Times, what the hey? Besides, since Texas needs a new defensive coordinator with the departure of Gene Chizik for Iowa State, maybe we could work out a deal–Joe Kines for Mack Brown, maybe?

Now that I’ve been hooked, I just hope that the eyes of Texas will remain on little ol’ Ocular Fusion for a long time to come. I may not know much about football, but if you’re looking for offbeat streams of consciousness and tales of quotidian family life, then you’ve landed in the right corral.

Spurrier laughs it off.

But maybe he’s just being coy.

First plane sightings in Austin, and now this from “bustracker.com.”

LOL.

It’s official. The Tuscaloosa News is reporting that Mike Shula is out.

Furthermore, rumors are running rampant that Paul Bryant Jr.’s jet is reportedly bound for Austin, Texas.

Could this mean that Bama has made a play for Mack Brown?

Now that I’ve done my share to stir up rumors, let’s sit back and see what actually happens.

Three of the four funerals for the victims of last week’s bus crash have taken place.

The Huntsville Times has stories on the funerals of Nicole Ford, Tanesha Hill, and Christine Collier. Crystalle McCrary’s funeral will take place today.

Protesters from “that church” are in Huntsville and are picketing the funerals. The Huntsville Times’ response to their presence was a mere mention in the Nicole Ford story. Huntsville Mayor Loretta Spencer confined the protesters to a small, cordoned-off space 100 yards away from the funerals. She then proceeded to park city buses in front of the self-appointed prophets so that those arriving at the funerals couldn’t see them. Across the street, anti-protesters held up signs reading, “God is love,” “Judge not and ye shall not be judged,” and “Let them grieve in peace.”

I like Loretta’s style. I heart Huntsville.

I’ll be leaving in a little while to spend Thanksgiving with my mother and sisters in Virginia, so I wanted to wish all of you a wonderful holiday and Godspeed in your travels.

I’m not sure what my blogging status will be in Virginia, but I will be continuing to track some stories related to the recent tragic school bus crash here in Huntsville. It will be a difficult time for our community over the next few days as we attempt to hold in tension our thankfulness that things weren’t any worse, our grief for the four young girls who lost their lives and our ongoing concern for the injured.

As if this burden weren’t enough, now comes word that representatives of a certain so-called church in Topeka, Kansas are planning to be in Huntsville next Tuesday for the girls’ funerals. Their message?

The bus crash was God’s divine retribution for Alabama’s alleged tolerance of homosexuals.

These are the same so-called “Christian” nut-cases showing up at our soldiers’ funerals across the nation with the same message. I won’t name the church on this blog, nor will I link to their press release regarding the Huntsville protest since I don’t won’t them to have a means of tracking my comments here. Most of you know who these people are and are smart enough to figure out how to find the press release if you want to read it.

Times like this are a severe test of Christian charity. My mind careens toward visions of car wrecks on the way from Topeka, a few timely cases of botulism after Thursday’s turkey dinner or maybe a “Welcome to Huntsville” committee consisting of the starting offensive and defensive lines from the Lee High School football team. But as I fantasize along these lines, I realize that I’m drug down into their same dirty, despicable gutter. Praying for your enemy and turning the other cheek are perhaps the severest Christian trial of all.

I’m sure our Mayor Loretta Spencer will have some things to say about all this over the few days and will make sure that everyone is ready for these vultures. Perhaps, if nothing else, an unbelieving world will see the difference between the way real Christians behave versus these crazy counterfeits. Let’s hope so anyway.

I’m also reminded of the line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” Any time someone someone insists too strongly that they themselves are pure while everyone around them is worthy of condemnation, you would be wise to suspect that the exact opposite might be true. I’m not sure what darkness resides in these folks’ souls, but it would appear that it is so black that it prevents them from seeing their own hatefulness and foolish pride.

They doth protest too much, indeed.

I noticed yesterday that many were coming to my post “One Six Short” from a site called keepmikeshula-swicki. Turns out that people searching the term “Mike Shula” at a blog named keepmikeshula.com were landing on Ocular Fusion, and that was my first indication that something was in the air. Don’t be fooled by the name–the authors of this blog have tongues firmly planted in cheeks. In fact, it contains some of the most deliciously wicked satire that I’ve read in quite some time.

There are confusing signals this morning as to whether Crimson Tide Head Coach Mike Shula will survive a disappointing 6-6 season and his overall 26-23 record over four years at Bama. The Huntsville Times says he’s staying, citing a “knowledgeable source.” The Mobile Press-Register writes that he’s “in limbo,” while anti-Shula bloggers say he’s as good as gone. Paul Finebaum, in a typical Tide taunt, upbraids the Crimson Nation for not seeing the light sooner (for you outsiders, Finebaum is a carpetbagger who rates just below Beelzebub himself in Alabama popularity polls).

Possible replacements? The following names are making their way through the rumor mill: Steve Spurrier, Tommy Bowden and Nick Saban.

I asked University of Alabama President Dr. Robert Witt about Shula’s status this past Friday before the Iron Bowl as we were touring the University with Number One Son. Well, no, actually I tossed him a softball question about the pros and cons of a small liberal arts university versus a large state university, but I was tempted to ask about Shula.

Mike Shula is a nice guy, but of course in college football, nice guys don’t necessarily win Iron Bowls or national championships. Saying a college football coach is a “nice guy,” is a little like saying that blind date you’re about to go out with has a “nice personality”–we all know what that means. Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville, with that annoying, perpetual smirk of his, has never been accused of “being nice,” and look how far that’s got him (four fingers and now the dreaded thumb too).

Mike Shula came in at a very difficult time in Alabama football history and deserves credit for cleaning up a scandal-ridden program. He gave it “the old college try,” but it may be time to allow a more experienced adult to take over the wheel now. The case can certainly be made for giving him another year to right the ship, but I’m not sure cooler heads will prevail in this instance.

If he does stay, he needs to stop calling his own plays and hire an offensive coordinator who can get the job done inside the red zone and probably go at least 10-2 with a win over Auburn to keep his job. And he needs to spend some time looking in the mirror working on that facial expression–a deer-in-the-headlamps look on the sideline just doesn’t inspire the troops to fight. I would suggest copying Tuberville’s scowl and smirk.

Hey, if they can him, don’t cry him a river or anything. With a four million dollar contract buyout, Shula would be set for life and then have the time and space to plan his next move. Many a coach has lost his job, learned from his mistakes and then moved on to success at another school, and I see no reason why Shula would be the exception.

Besides, there are always those cool commentator jobs (see Bill Curry).

The latest Google search string leading to Ocular Fusion:

Swoosh Time.

Is that anything like Hammer Time?