It was a Faustian bargain if there ever was one. The deal was that I could blog about the Olympics to my heart’s content if I would then feature a one-on-one interview with everybody’s favorite itty-bitty Bama fan, Mike the Redneck, who was about to bust his little beer gut to talk about the start of the college football season.

So yesterday the two of us sat down for a little Tuscaloosa tête-à-tête, and here’s what transpired:

MTEG: Well, look what the polecat just drug in! If it isn’t Mike the Redneck!

MTRN: Thahutt’s kute. Nice to see you too, Eyeball boy.

MTEG: Heh, heh, as they say down in Alabama, Too-shay! Well, the deal is that we would talk about football, but I have to ask: What did you think of the Olympics?

MTRN: Listen, I ain’t got nothin’ ‘gainst a bunch of folks gettin’ togetha and playin’ them thar Kommunist sports evra’ 4 years, but until they add a gold medal in FOOTBALL, I reckon I won’t be payin’ thahutt much a-tension to it.

MTEG: Aw, come on, surely there was one sport that you got into at least a little…

MTRN: Heh, well, I did take a likin’ to thahutt thar beach volleyball. Thahutt thar Misty May-Treanor reminds me of Daisy Mae Scragg, she does, ceptin’ she’s a brunette and not a blond. I hear she’s dun up and got a deal with that thar “Dancin’ With The Stars” for this fall. I’d give away my prized pair of autographed B’ar Bryant houndstooth overalls to be her padna’. I would.

MTEG: Uh, I think the idea there is that the celebrities compete against each other, not with each other…

MTRN: Oh raght, good point.

MTEG: Anything to say on politics?

MTRN: Gracie ain’t had no poly-ticks since Eyegal started usin’ that thar once-a-month medicine she got from thahutt thar Vetra-narin. You know thahutt.

MTEG: Uh, yeah, okay…on to the meat of the matter, then. I think the question that’s on everybody’s mind is this: Where have you been since Bama’s end-of-the-season implosion last year?

MTRN: Eyeguy, I got so durn depressed and thar was so much trailer trash talk bein’ hurled my way I had to hold up in one of them thar “un-dee-sklosed low-kay-shuns” for a spell. It was bad after the LSU loss, but I really hit rock bottom when we up and lost to that thar Lo-Mo. After thahutt, losin’ to them thar Barners dun ’bout put me six feet unda’. It took a heap of kouselin’ and a wash tub full of korn licker to get over thahutt un’. It did.

MTEG: We were all worried about you, so we’re really glad to see you back and that you’re feeling better. What was the one key to your rehab and comeback?

MTRN: Well, I think you know the answa’ to thahutt un’: The NUMBA ONE Ree-crootin’ klass in the nay-shun, thahutt’s what did it!

MTEG: Speaking of which, out of all the those 5 and 4-star recruits that Coach Saban landed, which one do you think will have the most immediate impact for the Crimson Tide?

MTRN: Well, you jist tossed me one of them thar’ softball questions and I’m ’bout to hit thahutt un’ outta the park! Thahutt thar Julio Jones, he’s gonna be a man among boys out thar! He is. Did you see the way he layed Rashad out with thahutt thar stiff-arm in thahutt thar scrimmage video thahutt got leaked to the interwebs? I hope you did, ’cause it ain’t thar no mo’ since Koach Saban dun up and yanked it. He didn’t wanna be givin’ Clemson our see-krets, don’t ya know.

MTEG: Yes, I did see that, it was quite impressive. And I hear juco transfer Terrence Cody will be lining up at nose tackle as well.

MTRN: Yeah, he’s a hoss, weighs close to 400 lbs and moves like a kat, he gonna be sumthin’ out thar. I heard the team went partyin’ down at one of the local T-town swimmin’ holes earlier this summer, and when he up and jumped in, he displaced so much water, he pert near emptied thahutt entire pond. He did. I reckon he’ll be displacin’ a few of them thar opposin’ Big Uglies on their big fat rears before this year is dun. He will.

MTEG: Still, this is a pretty young team, and so many newcomers getting so much playing time is likely to translate to some rookie mistakes early on and some big disappointments. Are you and the rest of the Crimson Nation ready to ride out the storm in exchange for smoother waters ahead?

MTRN: Eyeguy, I’m a firm believa’ in bein’ pay-shint and lettin’ Koach Saban and “The Process” do their thang. But you and I both know that he gonna hafta to be a little bit betta than 7-6 and the Independence Bowl if everabody’s gonna be satisfied. I believe in the man, I do, but he’s gonna hafta show us soon what he kan do. One thang’s for shore: He ain’t no B’ar Bryant–yet.

MTEG: I bet Saban bringing lucky number 13 to T-town would change your tune.

MTRN: It would shore go a long way, and afta’ all, weeze got a empty spot out thar in that Walk of Champions jist waitin’ for his stature, but even iffen thahutt happens, I doubt I’ll be layin’ my bottles of Coca-Cola and bags of Golden Flake chips at his feet, if you know whatta I mean.

MTEG: I think I do. What do you think about the new Bama Offensive Coordinator, Jim McElwain? Think he’ll have any new tricks up his sleeve?

MTRN: Well, I shore hope so, cuz there wuz times last year when thangs go so borin’ that half the stadium feel asleep during Bama drives. I mean I like the Tiffin boy and all, and Lord knows we need a good kicka’, but I did get a might tired of him steppin’ on the field for all those field goals evra’ time we got down thar in the Red Zone.

I hear Koach McElwain–whoo doggy, eva notice how klose thahutt is to McElway?–I hear he did some raght smahutt thangs out thar at Fresno State and that he got that thar’ undaperformin’ QB to get his numbas up a right smarhutt bit. But John Parker’s got good numba’s–what he needs is a shrink. So I hope McElwain got hisself one of them thar Pee-HDs in sigh-call-o-gee, cause he’s gonna need it with thahutt thar boy.

And here’s anotha’ thang: I think we gonna be doin’ a bit more runnin’ than sum people think. With Andre and Antoine and the rest of them thar Big Uglies we got, thar’s gonna be some big ol’ holes that even Glen Coffee and Terry Grant might be able to run through. There will.

MTEG: Are you concerned about Auburn’s new “Spread Eagle” Offense?

MTRN: The only kind of “Spread Eaglin’” that worries me is the kind the Poe-leece been doin’ ’round kampus on some of our boys, like Jimmy Johns, back durin’ the off season. Naw, I aint’ worried ’bout them thar’ Barners and their phancy skeems and names and whatnot. They’s jist tryin’ to impress folks. Well, good luck with thahutt, I say.

MTEG: I want to get back to Julio Jones for a second. You’re no doubt aware of the way Clemson defensive coordinator Vic Koenning tried to get something started this week by implying that Julio and fellow freshman Burton Scott received Cadillac Escalades in exchange for coming to Bama. He said that in front of several reporters, and then later tried to catch each one of them and tell them he was “just joking.”

Since that time, it’s turned into quite a little hullabaloo, with Clemson HC Tommy Bowden being forced to address the controversy for reporters. What are your feelings on the matter?

MTRN: Yeah, ol Vic, he’s a funny un’, ain’t he? A regular Jeff Foxworthy, he is. Look, there’s a reason fellers like him are assistants instid of Head Koaches–they’s dumber than a bag of hamma’s. What kind of idiot goes throwin’ out that kind of bulletin bored material on the week of a big game? And did you hear Bowden’s response? Basically, “What’s the big deal, he’s jist kiddin’.”

Kiddin’ my foot. And here’s a piece of ‘news for thahutt thar komedian–Julio drives an ol’ Chevy Tahoe, and Burton Scott was last seen puttin’ ’bout in some ol beat-up oranje jalopy. He’s jist shootin’ off his mouth and tryin’ to be kute and all, but we’s should probably be thankin’ ‘im cause I guarantee those atheltick de-part-mint tooters are gonna be readin’ that un’ to our boys all the way up to game time. Thahutt might jist produce the first “upset” of the season, although when you git raght down to it, it wouldn’t be much of un’.

MTEG: Did I just hear you correctly? Are you predicting a Bama upset over Clemson despite the nearly 12-point spread?

MTRN: I just calls ‘em like I sees ‘em, Eyeguy.

MTEG: Wow, indeed you do. Of course, we know that several Bama players had run-ins with the police during the off season…

MTRN: I think I already a-dressed thahutt…

MTEG: I know, I know, I was just going to say, and I think you’re going to want to comment on this, that a certain donut-loving, pumpkin-colored football coach had his own brush with the law in the form of a subpoena served to him as he arrived at Birmingham’s Wynfrey Hotel for the annual S.E.C. Media Days. Witnesses said the man who served the subpoena was about 2-inches tall, wore a pair of houndstooth overalls, and screamed, “Freeze Fatso! Roll this!”

Care to comment?

MTRN: I ain’t sayin’ it’s so, and I ain’t sayin’ no, so weeze jist gonna hafta leave it at thahutt. But I will say this: Thahutt donut stink will stick to ya like skunk. It took pert near a kase of tomater juice to git all thahutt out. It did.

MTEG: And while we’re at it, I wonder if you might address another rumor…

MTRN: Ain’t gonna do no good to say no…

MTEG: Kenny “The Snake” Stabler was arrested for DUI in the off season and eventually took a “leave of absence” from the color commentator position on the Crimson Tide Radio Network. Sources told us that you were on the short list to replace him. Any truth to that rumor?

MTRN: Thahutt ain’t no roomer, thahutt un’ is the truth. The University kontacted my agent and I went and read for the position along with Barry Krause and Tom Roberts. They said they really liked my style and all and thought thahutt I would be a hit with all those Crimson Tide fans all ova’ Alabama that ain’t never set foot anywhere’s near the Capstone. But they wuz a little koncerned thahutt those thahutt had actually dun grad-ee-ated from Bama might have a hard time understandin’ me.

Look, I git it, and thar ain’t no hard feelin’s–not evrabody’s as kultured as I am. But why in the world they picked Tom Roberts over Barry Krauss who actually played for The B’ar–God rest his sole–I’ll neva know.

MTEG: Time is growing short, so let’s cut to the chase. We all know about your prognostication prowess. How about giving us your prediction on Bama’s record for the year and where will they end up come bowl time?

MTRN: My prog, prognosta, my whut?

MTEG: You know, your ability to pick games.

MTRN: Is you bein’ sarkastic?

MTEG: No, seriously, I want to know what you think Bama’s final record will be for the year.

MTRN: 8-4 with a win over Aubie and the Chick-fee-lay Bowl (boy, I luv me sum of them thar sand-witches!).

And Head Farmer Tommy, weeze got a special salute planned for ya when you exit through that thar’ tunnel in the south end of Bryant Denny Stadium whilst weeze all be serandin’ you with the “Ramma Jamma.” I’ll give you a hint: It’ll involve one finga, not seven.

MTEG: Now, now, your redneck roots are showing through there…

MTRN: Hey, I wuz talkin’ ’bout one finga as in “We’s Numba One,” not that thar otha’ kind…

MTEG: Yeah, right. Listen, thanks for taking the time to sit down and talk with us on the eve of yet another exciting college football campaign. It’s always, uh, refreshing, to hear MTRN “raw and uncensored.”

MTRN: No problem, Eyeguy, my pleasure. Oh, and kin I say one more thang?

MTEG: Sure, go ahead.

MTRN: I know evrabody’s gettin’ all excited ’bout this weekend, and rightfully so, but let’s not forgit to say a praya’ or two for them thar folks down in New Orleans and other parts of the Gulf Coast who’s gonna end up dealin’ with thahutt thar Hurry-cane Goose-toff. Let’s pray thahutt the Good Lord will up and take a little of the edge offa this un’, cause those good folks don’t need no more trouble.

MTEG: Amen to that, MTRN. And Roll Tide!

MTRN: Roll Tide rightbackactchya, Eyeguy!

And I’m not the only one.

I suppose its apparent after almost 70 Olympic posts over the past few weeks that I’m an unrepentant, full-bore, red, white and blue Olympic Greek Geek.

Tis the season of overwrought superlatives, but I think it’s safe to say that I enjoyed this Olympiad more than any in memory (and mine goes back aways). Maybe its the fact that I can play press corp wannabe and team up with an actual correspondent on the ground, or maybe it’s because it’s all in HD now so that you feel like you’re actually “there.”

Whatever the reason, my heart aches a little this morning. What am I going to do without all the wall-to-wall, 24/7, electronic Olympic stimulation? I’m open to suggestions.

I do think I’ll take a short blogging break. I’ve got a column deadline to work on and some much neglected personal hygiene to attend to which those in my immediate circle have been nagging me about. I’ll be back soon, though–I hear there’s some kind of football game this weekend?

But before signing off the Beijing beat, kudos to the U.S. Olympic team. They conducted themselves with class, grace and were fierce competitors–they made me patriotic proud.

And hats off to the Chinese as well. While there were a few bumps along the road, they put on quite a show, were gracious hosts to the world (well, mostly) and demonstrated, without a doubt, that when they decide to come together to do something, the world will stand back in awe–and maybe just a little bit of fear and respect.

I think that’s exactly the way they wanted it.

Talk therapy is always a good way to cope with the blues, so feel free to weigh in with your favorite Olympic moment, competitor, rant or review. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my posts as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.

I call upon all of us (both the youth of the world and old fogey Olympic wannabes like me) to assemble four years from now in London to celebrate the Games of the 30th Olympiad.

If not before then. That is all.

The story of U.S. head volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon and the extraordinary run of the U.S. team to take the gold medal, told very well and with no sap.

The Chinese would say they did based on gold medals, 51-36.

The Americans would say they did based on total medals, 110-100.

But what if we split the difference and scored it on a weighted system, 3 for gold, 2 for silver and 1 for bronze? Seems like a reasonable idea to me.

Final score: China 223, U.S. 220.

Wow, that’s close. And to think, we were only a couple of dropped batons and a few underaged gymnasts away from taking the whole thing.

“You, sir, are The World’s Greatest Athlete.”

–King Gustav V of Sweden to Jim Thorpe after he won the 1912 Olympic decathlon in Stockholm

It’s a sign of the times, I guess, when The World’s Greatest Athlete, Olympic decathlon champ Bryan Clay, takes a back seat to platform diving and beach volleyball. But I’m sure that NBC crunched the numbers and knew what they were doing when it comes to making money.

But what kind of world is it when The World’s Greatest Athlete has to practically beg to be put on the front of the Wheaties box?

A crazy, mixed-up world, that’s what it is.

Michael Phelps is a great swimmer and perhaps the greatest Olympic champion ever. But The World’s Greatest Athlete?

Did Michael Phelps participate in a grueling, 2-day contest that consisted of events as varied as the 100 meter, the long jump, the shot put, the high jump, the 400 meter, the 110 meter hurdles, the discus, the pole vault, the javelin and the 1500 meter?

I don’t think so.

Oh, and by the way, The World’s Greatest Athlete grew up in Hawaii. I’m just sayin’.

When historians look back on the U.S. National Basketball team’s 2008 Olympic final victory over Spain, many will point toward Kobe Bryant’s commandeering of the game after the Spanish trimmed the U.S. lead to two points early in the 4th quarter. In particular, they will cite Bryant’s timely 4-point play as the stroke that finally felled the pesky Spaniards.

They will be wrong. It was actually the point where the camera panned across the row of rowdy Spanish male fans dressed in drag. I knew at that moment that it was over.

The basketball gods will not be mocked.

Somewhere, James Naismith is smiling.

I would be remiss as a fledgling Olympic commentator if I failed to mention the U.S. Men’s Water Polo team which has made an extraordinary run into the gold medal match Sunday against Hungary after a stunning 10-5 victory over Serbia.

I really know next-to-nothing about the sport (I’m sorry, but those little bonnets they wear are just so cute), but when a 9th-seeded team makes it to the final in any sport, it’s big news.

Hey, and how about this, albeit very loose, Church of Christ connection–the team is powered by several Pepperdine University players, including the keeper, Merrill Moses (notice the proper Biblical name), and coached by Pepperdine assistant and alumn, Terry Schroeder.

Speaking of which, I knew Pepperdine has a reputation for being a little “left coast” from the rest of the CoC colleges, but what’s this about Schroeder posing in the nude back in the 80s for a statue depicting the “perfect male physique” which was then place outside the L.A. Coliseum for the 1984 Games?

Sheez, The Waves really have wandered off the CoC reservation…

Long time readers know that I’m surely jesting…and perhaps a little jealous too.

UPDATE 8/24: The Americans come up short in the gold medal match v. Hungary. Still, nice run, uh, I mean swim, gentlemen.

Clipped hurdles. Lane violations and DQs. Leading in the final turn only to come up empty in the homestretch.

And the most egregious offense of all, the one that symbolizes everything that could possibly go wrong–dropped batons by both the men and the women in the 4 x 100 relay.

For the U.S. Track and Field team in this Olympiad, it’s like Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say: “It just goes to show you, it’s always something.”

U.S. Track and Field has heard the great hue and cry of the American people and responded.

Still, a little perspective is in order. We will finish with more medals in track and field, probably at least twice as many, as the second-best team. Our medal count will be as high or higher than Atlanta in ’96 or Sidney in ’00. We swept the men’s 400. The women have already won 8 medals which exceeds their winnings in any of the previous 3 Olympics.

And then there’s Bryan Clay (more on him in a following post).

Poor luck and timing will always be a factor in any competition, but dropped batons are a result of poor execution and preparation–both problems that can, and should, be fixed before “something” happens again.

Save the tears for yourselves.

The U.S.S. Redemption, with Captain K at the wheel, continues its round-the-world cruise with only a mild headwind. Next up: Spain for the gold.

Damn the Toronados, full speed ahead!

Tuscaloosa’s Deontay Wilder fought and lost in the semifinals of the heavyweight division on Friday to the well-seasoned Italian Clemente Russo, 7-1.

Wilder was the last U.S. boxer left standing and will bring back the bronze medal. Along the way, he fought well, conducted himself with great class and brought a lot of attention to spina bifida, the disease which affects his young daughter.

Many feel his professional prospects are bright, but first it’s back to college to complete his business degree.

Well done, Deontay.

Yesterday I went over to the gym for a quick elliptical trainer workout at lunch. While there, I was forced to watch equestrian and rhythmic gymnastics. The lady on the trainer next to me was really into it–and she had the remote.

I told her my whole life story, including the part about the little speeding ticket that I got fixed back in ’91, tossed her my Audi keys and blurted out the password to my bank account just so she would change the channel.

I wonder if Dick Cheney has ever thought about giving those a whirl?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

On the soccer side, U.S. keeper Hope Solo holds fast and gets a sweet piece of redemption.

UPDATE: Okay, make that three teams.

Sorry. I had to use that one because “lightning strikes twice” was already taken–about a gazillion times.

And this time he even ran through the tape (somebody probably gave him a talking to after the 100-meter showboating).

Yeah, he’s cocky, but mon, can he ever back it up! I like him, and I’m not going to jump on the old fogey bandwagon and start dumping on him. He’s young, on the biggest stage in the world, and he’s totally in charge. The other runners don’t seem put off by his antics at all, but instead seem to like him and enjoy being seen on the same stage with him.

I know my “old school” father-in-law, who ran the 400 for the University of Iowa “back in the day,” is pointing toward all the Zeus-posing as yet another sign of the decline of Western Civilization.

I say leave him alone–he spiced things up and made it interesting. It’s good for the sport, which has suffered a major decline in interest (and increase in doping scandals) over the last few years (man, he’d better be clean).

What can he possibly do to top this? How about coming back to London in 2012 and doing it again, plus the 400 meters.

Hey mon, don’t put it past him.

UPDATE: Old Fogey Alert!!

Heh. You gotta start ‘em young these days.

You can get that soon-to-be-everywhere image on a limited edition t-shirt here (bottom thumbnail). Oh wait! It’s sold out!

But it appears there are still some of those “O-bling” tees available. Get ‘em while they last!

Is Michael Phelps the greatest swimmer champion Olympian athlete of all time?

The inimitable Frank Deford considers the question and gives the best answer thus far.