Month: April 2010

Good “Gettin’ Around” Vision

“What do you want me to do for you,” Jesus asked him.

The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”

–Mark 10: 51

Like Blind Bartimaeus, all Marta wanted was to be able to see. She was no whiny yuppie who would be satisfied with nothing less than 20/20 post-LASIK. She just wanted good enough.

Good enough to see the faces of her family, especially the grandchildren. Good enough to take in the vibrant green of the Guatemalan countryside and the eye-catching reds, blues, oranges and yellows of the local marketplace where her friends would gather to sell their handcrafted wares.… Read the rest

Covert Warriors

The barista turned and cocked her ear, recognizing the familiar footfalls—one human, male, one canine, sex undetermined. She was the tip of the caffeinated spear and took pride in knowing her regulars, including each one’s drink, stride length and cadence.

The usual? Grande cappuccino?

Ha, you’ve got me nailed. Better make it a venti. Long night ahead.

She mixed the concoction quickly and handed the cup to the cashier. Hope you enjoy it, sir.

Thanks, smells great. He took a quick sip. Mmm, awesome.

She liked the sound of his voice.… Read the rest

Señor García’s One-Stop Shopping

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

–Matthew 7:3-5

I once had a war hero sitting in my exam chair who had survived all manner of jungle ambushes but was dying from an inoperable brain tumor.… Read the rest

NCAA To Rescind Duke’s National Title

In response to a Rasmussen poll indicating that 95% of the American people responded “Hell yeah!” to the question “Wuz we robbed?,” the NCAA this morning will make the highly unusual move of rescinding the Duke men’s basketball team’s 2010 National Championship.

A 9:00 AM press conference is set to begin in front of Butler University’s historic Hinkle Fieldhouse, site of the legendary 1954 Indiana high school state championship which featured fascist/communist South Bend Central High vs. All-American, God-loving, patriotic lil’ ol’ Milan AND the setting for the climactic scene of the movie Hoosiers.

Get it?

But rather than awarding the title outright to Butler, early indications are that NCAA officials will instead do a “Take Two!”… Read the rest

Former Duke Greats To Officiate Title Game

In a rather anticlimactic move, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Committee announced this morning (off the record, of course) that the officiating crew for tonight’s title game between the fascist (or communist if you prefer) Duke Blue Devils and the clean-cut, All-American kids from Hickory High Butler University will consist of former Duke greats Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley and Grant Hill.

“Might as well go ahead and say it out loud,” an unnamed NCAA source wearing a Duke coaches polo said. “Everybody knows we stack the deck for the Devils, anyway, although we kinda dropped the ball on that from 2001 until now.”… Read the rest

The Devil’s Hour Be Damned

My earliest memory is of waking up around 3:00 AM demanding my bottle. My mother, desperate for sleep, stumbled into my room, leaned over the edge of the crib with half-closed eyes staring down at me, and handed me one.

It was full of Coke, not milk. I grabbed the bottle and eagerly started to suck its sugary teat. Minutes later, I was back to sleep, and so was she.

I’m pretty sure my mother didn’t read about that little trick anywhere in Dr. Spock. She was “winging it,” as they say. What would I want if I awoke crying at 3:00 AM?… Read the rest