It All Begins in New Hampshire

While the main attractions on the Huntsville Pilgrimage Association Home Tour this past Saturday were the collection of historical houses and the beautiful Episcopal church downtown (be sure to click on “Home Tour”), there were some other interesting sights as well:


Bill Gnade, are you responsible for this?

Well, you know what they say: It all begins in New Hampshire.

  1. Bill Gnade

    Dear comrade Mike,

    As you can see from the photograph above, the idea of Gore in 2008 is the sort of curiosity one finds on Saturn.

    But, those of us who find this Gore phenomenon strange — alien as we might be on THIS planet — still must make room in our hearts for the extraterrestrial ideas enjoyed by our very distant neighbors. I understand Gore is also very big on Neptune, where temperatures are apparently ideal and no one worries about carbon sequestration.

    Of course, you can see right through what I am doing here — hurling insults at the astral travelers who project their strange ideas onto others — just so I may avoid the fact, and it is a fact, that New Hampshire is a landing station for alien spacecraft. Though it pains me to admit it, New Hampshire is responsible for the Al Gore thing in no small way. For this state, the Granite State, has numerous rocky peaks — particularly Mount Monadnock, which I can see from my yard — that have been used by — and I am not making this up, because I read it in the local newspaper — alien spacecraft as refueling stations. Again, I urge you to refrain from calling me a liar; I demand greater respect. Please, stop your laughter. UFOs have indeed been seen by people — none of whom I know, by the way — swirling around Mount Monadnock (about 20 years ago, mind you); one person claimed that our oddly luminescent visitors were filling up on high-octane radon. (By the way, why are alien spacecraft always so bright?)

    So, despite my many prevarications here, I have been forced to admit it: somewhere during these alien visitations Al Gore was finally broought back to earth in the primary soil of the Granite State. Gore, which means “Please, take him back” in Saturnalia, was actually dropped off here in 1987. I actually shook his hand that year; I take full responsibility for his political ambitions. For in that fateful meeting I said two things, both of which I now realize were false but nonetheless an apparent source of his inspiration: “This may be an inconvenient truth to admit, but I give you my warmest greetings,” and, “Did you know that the solution to the earth’s energy problems is to be found in the granitic emissions of New Hampshire’s many tattered mountains, and in not a few members of its hemp-draped electorate?”

    However, I think I lost him when I told him his campaign theme song should be Elton John’s “Rocket Man.”

    So, there you have it: The real reason New Hampshire is the primary way-station for Saturn. (See that little star and red swoosh on the Gore sticker? It’s a CODE.)

    Be well,


  2. Mike the Eyeguy

    I knew you would come through… 🙂

    This can only mean that Gore and his motherearthship have sent a Saturnalian scouting party to Huntsville. I think he was listening intently when you suggested Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” We are “The Rocket City” after all and the home of the US Army Missile Command. They are probably interested in learning more about our weaponry and probing our defenses.

    I must alert the authorities immediately! I will tell them to be on the lookout for more of these stickers cropping up on our polar icecap-melting Ford F-350s driven by tie-dyed Bubbas with fixed and dilated pupils. Now that I have some serious cred as a columnist for the local paper, I know they will believe me.

    (Bill, we may be on to something here–tag team blogging. I think it could be every bit as entertaining as its progenitor, professional wrestling)

  3. Bill Gnade

    Egads, Mike! Tag-team wrestling, indeed! You are Chief Jay Strongbow or Andre the Giant!

    But you do help me re-energize my force-field. Thanks for the laughs. And what luck! I forgot that Huntsville is “The Rocket City.” Delightful.

    Be well, and thanks for the Ministry of Mirth.


  4. Mike the Eyeguy

    I forgot to mention that strange things have been happening since my Close Encounter of the Gore Kind on Saturday.

    The next day, Eyegal and I were having our usual All American, carbon-burning buying spree in our local Wal-Mart when I suddenly remembered that I needed coffee.

    I wandered over to the coffee aisle, spied my usual Dunkin Donuts Original Blend, and picked up a pound. Just as I was about to place it in the cart, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was a pound of Sam’s Choice Free Trade House Blend. Not only was it more environmentally friendly and fairer to the workers of the world and all, but it was a buck cheaper too.

    It was like an out of body experience. Like a mind-numbed automaton, I placed the Dunkin Donuts coffee back on the shelf and tossed the Sam’s Choice Free Trade coffee into the cart.

    I might add: It’s very, very tasty.

  5. Al G.

    Prepare to be assimilated! Resistance is futile!

  6. Tipper

    Al, dear, it’s too late. Please put down the internet and come to bed.

  7. Bill Gnade


    That was a totally righteous and planet-saving act you performed in Wal-Mart — dude! There has never been, nor will there ever be, anything fair or free in the production or trade of Dunkin Donuts coffee beans: each bean produced under that heartless military-complex-backed capitalist pigness is a log in the eye of all consumers. What you did was a powerful, subversive act, even a revolution. Yours is a planetary and extra-planetary sensitivity beyond normal measure: who are you anyway to enjoy a thing that others — particularly our extraterrestrial guides — cannot? You have made the right choice for us all!

    Now, I am free to enjoy my Twinings’ Earl Grey tea knowing that you, my friend, have served in my stead as my free-trade/guilty-conscience offset. Alas, you have perhaps stumbled upon the earth’s most needed product: we don’t need carbon offsets, we need guilt offsets. It is not enough to clean the air, we need to clear the air of all moral (read capitalist) impurities; we need the great absolution of our inner, corporate pollution. What you taste in your new coffee blend is the deliciousness of original innocence. The gustatory pleasures you enjoy are a bitter gall to those who still drink the guilt and oppression of their earthly, Republican masters.

    Showing signs that you are no longer blind to the wiles of crude governmentalism, you prove you are opening your soul (and chakras) to the fine art of gorementalism.

    You make New Hampshire proud!


  8. Bill Gnade

    This just in:

    I see we’ve not fallen upon an original idea. Good for Peter Schweizer. I LIKE the Pilate’s offset idea.

    That’s a Pontius Pilate offset, right? (Or is that Paunchy Pilate’s?)


  9. Bill Gnade

    (Forgive me. I forgot WordPress doesn’t really highlight links in the comments thread very well. There IS one in the comment above. And there is one right HERE.)

  10. Mike the Eyeguy

    Barkeep, I’ll have whatever Gnade over there is having.

    “Offsets” sound a little like the Catholic Church’s concept of indulgences, only much, much more hip.

  11. Bill Gnade


    Unfortunately, Mike, the barkeeper is about to slide down the bar a very hot cup of Twinings Earl Grey. With honey and cream.


  12. Mike the Eyeguy

    Rats, I hate tea.

    You and Jean-Luc Picard…

    (Click HERE)

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