Guide Me O Thou Great GPS–And Talk Sexy To Me While You’re At It!

garmin_nuvi_750_001.jpgI did a double take when I filled up the trusty German sports sedan at Sam’s Wholesale Club the other night.

Was the final total really only $33? I took off my glasses, checked for smudges, rubbed my eyes, put them back on again and stood there staring at the digital readout. I wasn’t seeing double. I was seeing half.

I looked around and the mood among my fellow customers was one of great jubilation. One man was happily chattering into his cell phone, “Can you believe this?” Another finished filling up his Ford F-150 Double Cab, stared at the final total and started bawling like a baby, tears of unadulterated joy flowing like a river down his ruddy cheeks.

We were partying like it was 2-0-0-4.

I quickly called Eyegal and shared the good news, that I had just filled up for half of what I did just a few months prior. Being the retired CPA and family CFO, I’m sure she was already calculating how she could take the extra coin and pump it into another part of the family budget such as groceries, much-needed-house-repairs or something boooring like that.

But our country’s economy was flagging and in danger of implosion, and being the patriot that I am, I knew what I had to do.

I executed a U-turn into the Sam’s main parking lot, withdrew my club ID card from my wallet and started toward the door. I flashed the ID at the greeter who gave it a cursory glance, smiled and waved me through as usual. I made my way (slowly) through the electronics until I found my “item of interest.” After a very short internal debate, I grabbed the card containing the barcode of my desires and started for the register.

I’d been gazing longingly at the GPS devices (aka “personal travel assistants”) for a couple of years now. Frankly, I would start to shake and my hands would grow tremulous every time I was near them. I’ve always been fascinated with maps of all kinds and could stare at them for hours.

But a map that actually moves with you and pinpoints your position in real time? One that talks to you in “American Jill” or “British Emily,” or, in a pinch, “Mandarin Chin-Li?” It was like all my Star Trek dreams had come true. What’s next–a device that actually flips open and that you can talk into, like a real, bona fide “Communicator?”

I unwrapped my prized Garmin Nuvi 750 and fired it up. As advertised, it quickly honed in on the hovering satellite. After typing in my destination (home, please), off I went, “American Jill,” in that sweet, sexy voice of hers, guiding me every step of the way (“turn right here–you delicious, intellectual hunk of a man, you.”).

I’m pleased to report that I made it home efficiently and in record time. And I didn’t get lost once. Oh, and the Home Depot, McDonald’s and the corner Shell Station were all right where they were supposed to be! Who knew?

With our Thanksgiving trip to Grandma’s house in Virginia coming up in a couple of days, my timing couldn’t have been more perfect. My “personal travel assistant” will not leave me in the lurch. Never again will I be wandering aimlessly along I-81 in Tennessee between Mohawk Crossing and Blountville searching frantically for the nearest Taco Bell.

And with Number Two’s upcoming trip to Harding to check out his prospects there, I won’t have to worry so much about whether or not he’ll miss that tricky turn onto Arkansas 64 near West Memphis and end up in St. Louis before he realizes what happened. So really, it’s all about family.

Guide Me O Thou Great GPS–and talk sexy to me while you’re at it!

Lewis and Clark never had it so good. And if they had, they would have arrived at their destination much sooner and eaten a lot better.

  1. mmlace

    I filled up my little Nissan on Saturday for some $18! Gas is cheaper than it was when I bought my car! Never had any desire for a GPS…I think I can find my way on my own, thanks. But I hope you enjoy yours. So is it, like, an early Christmas present To Dr. Eyeguy From Dr. Eyeguy?

    And also tell me, from a guy’s perspective…getting directions from a little electronic box…how is that any different than stopping to ask for directions?

  2. That Girl

    Actually, that is why I live in Searcy now… I got tired of getting lost in Memphis and just decided to stay here rather than get lost looking for the Bill Morris Parkway to get home (Exit 16, I think)

    I never had trouble getting to Searcy but that trip back was a booger!

    That exit at Marion is Exit 10 if that helps any. Oh yeah, you’ve got Jill now and won’t need directions!

  3. Mike the Eyeguy

    mmlace–As to the first question, no. Eyegal tried to say that it was, but I explained to her that it was purchased prior to the official holiday buying period and came under the category of “necessary electronic expenditures” aka “channeling your inner geek.”

    As to the second, why would I stop and ask some multi-pierced, 18-year-old Goth at a corner convenience store for directions when I have “American Jill” available to meet my every navigational need?

    TG–So that’s why you moved away. I thought it had something to do with the down year Auburn was having. 🙂

    What’s really confusing about that Marion exit is the way both lanes of traffic on the access road have to yield to the exiting traffic coming off I-55. That seems so backwards. Of course, it is Arkansas.

  4. Jeff Slater

    Filled up my Honda Odyssey for $20 the other day! I think my in-laws are getting us a GPS for Christmas.

    All praise to the great, all wise, all merciful Obama for bringing us lower gas prices!


  5. Mike the Eyeguy

    Glad to see you’re coming around there, Slater. 🙂

    Hey maybe that GPS of yours will have a “Sexy Sarah” voice (“turn right here–you betcha!”). I think you have to pay extra for the CNN-style hologram version, though.

  6. Jeff Slater

    Oh man, don’t tease me! Do you think they really have one with Sarah’s voice???

  7. Mike the Eyeguy

    A quick Google search comes up empty. But I’m betting that by the time Christmas rolls around and you have yours, some enterprising person will have rectified that great oversight, donchyaknow.

    But a farmer has used a GPS to create a Sarah Palin image in a corn maze (click here). And here’s the best part, Jeff–it’s in Ohio!

    Fusioneers, let’s all pull together and help Jeff out here. If you find a Sarah Palin GPS voice out there somewhere, let us know.

  8. Brady

    First of all, congrats on having a Geman car. Mine is German too, but built for 8. Not too speedy.

    Second, I was hoping you’d quit polluting the planet what with gas prices so high and all. Like maybe you’d take the bus, metro, or one of those high speed Alabama trains.

    Last, I am very bitter about this whole gas price post. I still pay 120 dollars US to fill up, as prices have dropped only about 20 percent. I just need a GPS to make it to the bus stop at these prices.

  9. Mike the Eyeguy

    12O USD? Ouch. But you have chocolate, right? And nice watches.

    I can feel your stress and bitterness coursing through the interwebs. You need a back rub. I believe the “Swiss Miss” Garmin model can deliver.

  10. Stoogelover

    We just saw gas go under $2/gallon this weekend. Dropped another 8 cents today. I got the Wife a GPS last Christmas (and one for each of the kids) and it’s one of the best gifts we’ve ever purchased.

  11. Mike the Eyeguy

    I have to ask: Does your have a Curly voice?

  12. Stoogelover

    How I wish!!!

  13. carolinagirl


    Got to give credit to those GPS machines. They let the AF bring us home safely.

    Got back on American Soil 12 NOV and am feeling like I’ve a lot of catching up to do.

    Best wishes to you and your family for a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving.


  14. Mike the Eyeguy


    Welcome back, what perfect timing, “home for the holidays” and all that!

    I know you have stories to tell. Hope you have time to tell some soon. Thank you for your service in very difficult circumstances. I hope that you have a blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas and that we hear from you more often now that you’re out of the sandbox for good, right?


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