University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill security officers and local police S.W.A.T teams descended on Duke University early this morning in a daring “snatch and grab” raid to round up all Cameron Crazies who have ever said, or who in the future will ever say, anything negative regarding Roy William’s Tarheel men’s basketball squad.
The Crazies, sans wigs and facepaint since they were arrested while sleeping, are currently incarcerated in a barbwire-enclosed, gulag-style holding area outside the Dean Dome while Judge, Jury and Executioner Coach Williams decides between firing squad, gas chamber or lethal injection as the method of mass execution.
This preemptive strike at the heart of his archrival’s fan base comes on the heels of the ejection of a “drunk” and “abusive” Presbyterian College fan (who admitted to having a grand total of TWO beers prior to the game) from the Dean Dome by coliseum security at the behest of Coach Williams. The fan apparently had the audacity to yell “Hey Deon, don’t miss it!” as Tarheel forward Deon Thompson stepped to the line for the second of two free throws with six minutes left in UNC’s 103-64 thrashing of the Blue Hose. (Video here.)
In the post-game press conference, Williams, still wearing his powder blue oven mitt from an afternoon of baking Christmas sugar cookies for his team, got all folksy and Jed Clampett on everybody when asked about the incident.
“Look, I just don’t think anyone should say anything negative about our players, period. Let’s don’t make it a bigger thing than it is. My boys are very special and sensitive, and they’ll grow discouraged if anyone yells disparaging remarks while they’re trying to enlighten us with their performance. Besides, the idiot jerk wearing the Presbyterian College polo kept yelling other bad stuff too, like ‘Go Hose!’ I’m sorry, but that kind of stuff may go over on the playground, but I’m from the mountains and we just don’t talk to our women that way,” Williams replied with a homespun grin.
However, when asked about the funny-looking blue streaks all over his face and right arm, Williams grew agitated, mumbled something like “Gotta dump that damn Duke dermatologist” and stormed out of the room.
But this latest incident has upped the ante considerably and put UNC officials in a bind. One official close to the situation speaking on condition of anonymity lest he be banished to the outer circle of Raleigh, said, “Look, I know we have a reputation for being the most liberal public university in the South and this looks a little fascist and all, but hey, it’s ROY WILLIAMS, and he’s taken us to the Promised Land twice now. It’s ROY’S HOUSE–we just call it the Dean Dome to keep the Old Man happy–so anything he says goes. Sure, there are a few old school hippie professors who are threatening to have a sit-in at the student union over this, but in time, they’ll come around too, just wait and see.”
The official went on to say that the threat of mass execution was just typical Williams bluster and that the real plan was simply to hold the Crazies outside the Dean Dome through the dead of winter until after UNC visits Cameron Indoor Stadium on March 6th for their annual away game against Duke.
“Oh, don’t worry about them,” he said, pointing to the hundreds of dazed and confused Crazies milling about in powder blue jumpsuits while being bombarded with the UNC fight song played on large loud speakers strategically placed at each corner of the compound. “They’ll be fine. They’re used to camping outdoors in extreme conditions anyway.”
In a related story, several thousand Auburn fans have filed a class action lawsuit against the University of Alabama and the Bama Nation alleging that their “feelings were hurt” by having to listen to the “Rammer Jammer” sung to them 13 times on their home field following this year’s loss to Alabama in the Iron Bowl.