In a rather anticlimactic move, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Committee announced this morning (off the record, of course) that the officiating crew for tonight’s title game between the fascist (or communist if you prefer) Duke Blue Devils and the clean-cut, All-American kids from Hickory High Butler University will consist of former Duke greats Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley and Grant Hill.
“Might as well go ahead and say it out loud,” an unnamed NCAA source wearing a Duke coaches polo said. “Everybody knows we stack the deck for the Devils, anyway, although we kinda dropped the ball on that from 2001 until now.”
In what we surely come to be known as “Exhibit A” and proof positive of the so-called “Krzyzewski Effect,” Laettner, Hurley and Hill, who have been training as Jedi warrior monks under the tutelage of George Clooney on the top-secret set of The Men Who Stare At Goats, will have the ability to not only ignore egregious fouls on the part of the Blue Devils, but will also stun Butler players (who will be wearing retro uniforms consisting of tight tank tops, satin short-shorts and canvas, high top Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars) and paralyze them by shooting laser beams from their eyes.
Using similar psychic Jedi superpowers, the trio will also guide the ball into the basket anytime Duke players Kile Singler, Jon Scheyer and Nolan Smith (interestingly known as “The Firm”–hmmm, remember that movie?) shoot from beyond the arc.
“Look,” the unnamed anonymous source admitted, “how else can you expect an ‘alarmingly unathletic’ team whose best players are a pasty, white tree-hugger, a skinny Jew from Chicago and an undersized black dude to come out on top?”
Reaction among Duke haters has been swift. Homer Stokes III, grandson of REE-form Party founder Homer Stokes, said, “Did you see the way those Devils shared the ball in that thar semifinal? That thar ‘Firm’ had 23, 21 and 19 points a piece. That’s SOCIALISM I tell ya! It ain’t no coincidence that that thar Muslim president of ours, B. HUSSEIN Obama, beat Clark Kellogg in a game of POTUS on the same day.”
“How is David supposed to slay Goliath if all the refs are Philistines? It’s just further proof that The Little Man is getting screwed with the business end of a broom handle, I tell ya!”
In a completely unrelated story (or so they want you to think), Alabama Head Football Coach Nick Saban and Coach K have apparently purchased a time-share together in Juarez, Mexico (h/t JRB).