NCAA To Rescind Duke’s National Title

In response to a Rasmussen poll indicating that 95% of the American people responded “Hell yeah!” to the question “Wuz we robbed?,” the NCAA this morning will make the highly unusual move of rescinding the Duke men’s basketball team’s 2010 National Championship.

A 9:00 AM press conference is set to begin in front of Butler University’s historic Hinkle Fieldhouse, site of the legendary 1954 Indiana high school state championship which featured fascist/communist South Bend Central High vs. All-American, God-loving, patriotic lil’ ol’ Milan AND the setting for the climactic scene of the movie Hoosiers.

Get it?

But rather than awarding the title outright to Butler, early indications are that NCAA officials will instead do a “Take Two!” on the final seconds of the game since several teams and players (among them, Kansas, Villanova, Kentucky, West Virginia and Gordon Hayward) didn’t follow the script the first time.

“We had it all laid out for them, plain as day,” an anonymous NCAA stormtrooper fumed, “and they had to go and muck it up. Do they have any idea how much money we had tied up in that production?”

There will be some changes, though. Gone is Butler wunderkind Head Coach, Brad Stevens. In is grizzled, irascible veteran Gene Hackman. Dennis Hopper will be directing the production from his hospital bed, just like the original.

“Dear God, please let him be sober,” a Butler fan said, speaking from The Heartland for nearly everyone in the nation who didn’t graduate from Duke or who is not a liberal elitist.

Hayward in turn has been demoted to stunt double in favor of 73-year-old Bobby Plump, who fired “The Shot Heard Round The State” back in 1954.

“God wants him on the floor,” Preacher Purl responded when asked about the spectacle of way too much hairy, geezer leg being exposed by those Old School satin short-shorts.

As for Plump, he’s as confident as ever that he can pull it off–again.

“I ain’t gonna need no stunt double, ” Plump said. “That pill is going down, just like the other 72 that I take every morning. If that Papa John’s guy can do it, so can I. And he’s from Louisville, for Pete’s sake!”

Academy Award-winning director James Cameron has reportedly been brought in for after-production special effects and air-brushing just in case Plump draws nothing but air or Duke goes off and screws things up again.

The megatons of Nike Butler championship gear, which would have normally been burned in a huge bonfire in a field behind Phil Knight’s palatial mansion, have remained in the original boxes and are being stored in secret, underground bunkers beneath Lucas Oil Stadium. They will be sold, with an extra 25% markup, immediately following the successful completion of the second take.

In a related development, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning is reportedly in negotiations with NFL and New Orleans Saints officials for a “do-over” of his Super Bowl-icing interception to Saints defender Tracy Porter.

Lights, camera, ACTION–Go Duke!

  1. Brady

    I’ll go see the film only if it’s in 3D.

  2. Mike the Eyeguy

    Well, as I live and breathe, hi there Brady.

    Be sure to get your eyes examined first. That way if for some reason you can’t see 3D you’ll at least have a heads up and not suffer through the humiliating indignity of having an SVD (Stereo Vision Deficiency) in the middle of a crowded theater.

    (I made that last part up).

    On a brighter note, did you know WC 2010 is just around the corner? Just checking to make sure you got the word over there.

  3. Brady

    Oh, the noise at night when any team from Italy, France, Switzerland, Portugal, Turkey, Brazil or Germany win. Honking and restless nights will be a part of our lives for 5 weeks.Yes!

  4. Mike the Eyeguy

    I bought a Guatemala national team jersey recently, not because they’re any good, but because I was there.

    You can buy knock-offs of major clubs worldwide in the open air market in Antigua City, $6-10 US dollars a piece depending on how many you buy and how hard you bargain.

    I didn’t see The Nati, though. I bet you wouldn’t have to walk far to find one.

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