Optometrist Quits Job, Goes Optical

Huntsville police and SWAT teams are currently at the scene of a hostage situation in the Medical District.

An optometrist (OD) employed at an ObamaCare-affiliated medical clinic (the one with the new Death Panel drive-thru window) is apparently fed-up to his eyeballs with all the incessant yik-yak from his patients, the constant sniping and backstabbing from co-workers and the drowning deluge of mind-numbing emails, bureaucratic buzzwords and meaningless acronyms (MNEMBBMA) raining down from his overlords on Mt. Olympus.

The OD–OMe! OMy!–has apparently quit his job and gone optical.

Police will identify him only as “Mike the Eyeguy.” According to a department spokesperson, Dr. Eyeguy has apparently been showing several signs of cracking recently. Area opticians have told police that over the past few weeks he has been transposing “minus” signs for “plus” signs, and vice versa, resulting in blurry eyeglasses and a spike in Huntsville metro area traffic accidents. In addition, other local eye doctors and health department officials have noted a recent epidemic of permanently-crossed “googly eyes” resulting from Coke-bottle lenses allegedly prescribed by Dr. Eyeguy.

One patient even said that when he complained about the blinding brightness of the light on the examining scope, the rogue OD, who was frothing at the mouth and quietly humming nursery rhymes to himself, turned the illumination dial all the way up to “11” and suddenly erupted into peals of “BWAHAHAHA” evil scientist laughter.

Early reports indicate that when this morning’s first patient, who already had crystal clear, better-than-perfect 20/10 X-ray vision in both eyes to begin with, complained to the OD in a small, grating voice which sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard that his vision “still just wasn’t quiiite good enough” and commanded him to fix it “NOW!”, something snapped.  The OD has now taken several hostages and is reportedly threatening to use industrial-strength dilating drops and send them out into the bright sunlight without those little cheap, flimsy paper sunglasses.

In a rambling manifesto posted on Youtube, “Mike the Eyeguy” aired his grievances. The following is a portion of the transcript from that broadcast:

“I QUIT THIS STINKIN’ JOB! I’m madder than HECK, and I’m just not going to take it anymore! You think it’s torture when I ask you “Which is better, one or two?”? Try locking yourself up in a small, dark room and asking that same question–over and over and over–for 20 plus years and listening to all your whiny “Gee doc, I can’t tell a difference” CRAP and see if you don’t suddenly up and go rogue too!

And come on, stop turning on the waterworks just because you can’t see small print anymore and need reading glasses! GEEZ LOUISE sometimes you just get OLD, okay? That’s life–deal with it, and don’t expect me to FREAKIN’ FIX EVERYTHING!

Okay, look, just give me what I want and nobody gets blinded. I want a nice severance package (with health insurance) and President Witt’s (or is it Nick’s?) private plane to take me to Tuscaloosa. Once there, I want a bed with a Tempur-Pedic ® memory foam mattress set up in one of those snazzy new sky boxes in the South end zone at Bryant-Denny, a mini-fridge stocked with Dixie Light beer, and a new job as team optometrist for the Crimson Tide. Oh, and an inflatable moon bounce birthday party with all my friends. What few I have left, anyway.”

Police officials are still hopeful that they can end the crisis with no shots fired.

A police captain clad in ninja-gear said, “We hope we can take him alive. He’s Church of Christ, so we’ve asked some local ministers to come down and pipe in some good ol’ fashioned, eardrum-bustin’, tent-revival preachin’ with megaphones–we think we can guilt him out. If that doesn’t work, we’ll try a little “carrot and stick;” in his case, a large cup of scalding hot McDonalds Premium Roast coffee–just black, please–tied to a string and dragged down the hall.”

In other Alabama “take this job and shove it” news, a flaming ultra-libruhl socialist law professor at conservative bastion Faulkner University went off the reservation yesterday. Clad in a Batman t-shirt, Lucky Brand blue jeans, fuchsia high-top canvas Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars and sporting granny glasses and a nose ring, the leftist-wannabe barrister cussed loudly at his class of profoundly naive and impressionable 1Ls, causing many of them to reach for the cell phones and call home crying to their mothers.

He then challenged them all to quit school too and join him in a sit-in at the student union to protest the upcoming appearance at the school by former half-term governor of Alaska and now mega media star and American Evangelical sorority sweetheart, Sarah Palin.

  1. Keith Brenton

    This is the saddest thing I’ve read since I went trifocular five years ago. And I’m not sure I’ve read anything correctly since.

  2. Jan Lenz

    Poor Mikey. I’m afraid it may happen to several of us.

  3. Mike the Eyeguy

    Keith–Your “trifocularity” reminds me of the video “Bill Cosby–49.” A true geezer classic.

    Dr. Lenz (no seriously, that’s her real name)–Thanks for your commiseration. I know you understand. You coming to the 20th reunion at UAB?

  4. Greg England

    If that Bama job doesn’t work out, I hear there is an opening with Jet Blue.

  5. Kristi

    I’m extremely thankful that my surgeon this weekend waited till after my operation at least to go crazy. Actually, there have been no reports of his insanity yet, but if there are ever, I’m glad he’s essentially done with me. For years I wanted to be a doctor or a nurse practitioner so that I could work for the Razorback football team. I’m afraid you might not have the same luck as an optometrist, sadly.

  6. Mike the Eyeguy

    You’re right; the Hogs would never hire me.

  7. Donna

    I needed the laugh, but may seriously plagiarize this material for my next letter of resignation (somehow I know there will be another)

  8. Mike the Eyeguy

    Donna–Glad to be of some assistance. Please stick to standard resignations. The hostage thing was a little awkward, and I don’t recommend it.

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