My Top Ten Anti-Resolutions for 2008

Why start off 2008 with a laundry list of resolutions that I know I won’t keep? No, no, better to make anti-resolutions, things that I know, absolutely without a doubt, I will never, ever do this year…

1) Serve on another committee. I wasn’t just any committee member. I was a bona fide read-all-the-emails, attend-all-the-meetings, believed-I-could-actually-make-a-difference kind of committee member. I was determined to overcome my natural cynicism and play well with others. Ha! What was I thinking? Eyegal kept telling me: “Careful, Mike, you’re gonna get burned.”

I hate it the way she’s right all the time. Bureaucracies, whether they be at work or church (and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference), suck.

2) Mistake an automatic shower self-cleaning unit for a shampoo dispenser. I swear that’s what it looked like, but then again I am pretty nearsighted (maybe I should consider LASIK). But after I pressed the button, the dang thing starting beeping like a garbage truck in reverse and spritzing me with ammonia. The upside: it was the cleanest I had been in a long, long time.

3) Take it for granted that the Crimson Tide has a game in the bag. This should go without saying, but for Pete’s sake, Louisiana-Monroe? That infamous weekend (my birthday, mind you), I comfortably headed out of town to a deep-in-the-woods B&B with Eyegal where there would be no internet or TV. No problem, I thought; we’ll hang fifty or so on the Warhawks, and I can read about the rout in the paper when I get back into town Sunday night.

Unfortunately, my cell phone still worked. That evening, I got a text message from Number Three Son who attended the game with his grandfather: “We lost.”

Lost what? Your sanity? Tell me something I don’t already know. A second later, I received another text message from Number One as he sat dejectedly in the student section at Bryant-Denny: “Happy Birthday from the Crimson Tide.” Then it dawned on me–and then I lost mine.

How low can you go? Lo-Mo, that’s how low.

4) Run two days in a row. My back just can’t take back-to-back asphalt-pounding sessions anymore. The three Rs: Rest, Recover and Relax are now my mantra. It’s sad, yes, but good grief, it’s 2008 not 1984, so I need to get over it and move on.

5) Not take a real vacation. Aside from short weekend getaways and trips to visit family, I haven’t taken a real holiday in nearly three years. I need at least a week off in some far away place. Any suggestions? And no, Hal, I’m not talking Dollywood.

6) Do an early morning workout consisting of 2 x 1600, 2 X 800, 4 x 400, 4 x 200 repeat intervals on the Grissom High School track. See #4 above.

7) Teach a Sunday School class. I’ve taught one for the past four years–and loved it for the most part–but I’m tired, and the well is a little dry. There’s a time to teach and a time to be taught. But looking around at the increasingly shallow offerings of my own Church of Christ tradition, who’s going to do the teaching? Thank God for other tribes of Christians, quality blogs (yes, there are some if you look hard enough) and

8) Engage in another debate with an atheist online or anywhere else. Been there, done that. It’s pretty much useless. Everybody operates on faith anyway (although many atheists will never admit it), and nobody ever changes their mind. Live and let live, I say. Let’s both just agree to not commit anymore mass murder in the name of what or whomever, get on with our lives and try to make the world around us a little better.

9) Use the phrase “Which is better, Alabama or Auburn?” instead of “Which is better, one or two?” when I grow bored of doing refractions day after day. The remakes on those glasses were real killers.

10) Take the people (especially my family) and the small moments of pleasure that are a part of each day for granted. I would suggest you not do that either. After all, you never when ol’ Father Time will say, “Enough is enough, already!”

And those, Fusioneers, are my Top Ten Anti-Resolutions for 2008. Feel free to share a few of your own.

  1. mmlace

    Thanks so much for sharing, Dr. Eyeguy! I was hoping you’d post something today. I still miss you being part of my morning routine, and hope to be hearing more from you in 2008! As for resolutions (or anti-resolutions or whatever you prefer) I’m still working on them. Perhaps I’ll drop by again and let ya in on them, once I’ve decided. Happy New Year and much love!

  2. Mike the Eyeguy

    Right backatchya, girl. Happy ’08 to you and yours.

  3. Stoogelover

    You are so right about the shallow offerings in our Sunday Schools. I stopped teaching those classes about 5 years ago (and I was the preacher) and today still long for a decent study with some depth and insight.

    I, too, was hoping you would blog today. I miss your regular offerings but will take what you give.

  4. Mike the Eyeguy

    Hey Sl, good to hear from you and happy New Year.

    It’s really pretty hard to work “meat” into the curriculum on a typical Sunday morning–there’s only so much time and folks for the most part would rather meet and greet and have a good time and there’s a lot to be said for that.

    I was referring more to our movement as a whole, which seems to me to be moving away from intellectual rigor and more toward lighter fare, often the latest evangelical fad that comes skipping down the pike. But hey, it’s apparently what most of the people want most of the time, and everybody knows I’m a weirdo anyway.

    I will be writing more here this year–and another place too. More on that later.

  5. Donna

    first- glad to hear you will be bloggin more

    #2 had me laughing out loud!
    #3 had me crying….with the memory

    most of the rest I would just say Amen too….except why run at all unless there is a bee or a gun behind you?

  6. Mike the Eyeguy



    Happy New Year!

  7. Bryan Jackson

    I was laughing so hard on #2 that I couldn’t read it to my wife. She put one of those things in our shower. Because I too am very near-sighted, I almost had a similar experience.

  8. Mike the Eyeguy

    This one was at my Mom’s house in Virginia. Everyone got a pretty good laugh at my expense. Then my younger sister showed up later in the week and did exactly the same thing. I was so relieved. Lil’ Sis and I are 10 years apart in age, but very close in both common sense and refractive error. But I believe she went straight home and had refractive surgery after that.

  9. Brady

    Welcome back, and HNY to you too. There is a European Cup in Switzerland this year. Hmmmm. And I know a guy who’s got a placeโ€ฆ

  10. Mike the Eyeguy

    You’re tempting me sorely, Brady. But it’s the good kind of temptation. Number Three Son has not forgotten that offer you made during World Cup ’06 and reminds me of it constantly.

  11. Mike the Eyeguy

    Brady, I just checked the Euro ’08 site. Looks like I’m a little behind as far as getting tickets (lottery was last Spring). But if you know where I can get a couple of tickets for the Netherlands-Italy match in Bern on 6/9, Number Three and I are so there.

  12. SS

    Related to #7 — Just wanted to let you know that I’m going through Sojourners withdrawls. I don’t know where I’m going to get my next “fix.” There is a definite void on Sunday mornings.

  13. Mike the Eyeguy

    SS–That’s kind of you to say so. It was weird for us to be “visitors” again for the first time in years. I really don’t know what we’re going to do either.

    BTW, thanks for the invite to The Alabama Theater to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.” That was a night to remember!

  14. Brady

    No idea myself, but they are always scalping tickets somewhere. Walk by faith, man. Walk by faith.

  15. Mike the Eyeguy

    It’s one thing to drive down to Tuscaloosa and buy tickets from a sidewalk scalper, but to fly to Switzerland and do the same? That’s some serious faith, Brady boy!

    Actually, I did check out some scalping websites already. At this point in time, I think I could fly round trip cheaper than I could sit in the stands.

  16. tarwater

    “and nobody ever changes their mind”

    Some do.

  17. Mike the Eyeguy

    So I’ve heard. There was Muggeridge’s conversion to Catholicism and Flew’s recent “conversion” to deism, but such grand ones are rare, and I’ve never witnessed one firsthand.

    I’m just PO’ed that Hitchens didn’t respond to my personal entreaty to cease and desist. ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. Brady

    Yes. The line between faith and folly is often measured by the thickness/thin-ness of the wallet. ๐Ÿ™‚ I went to those same sites and was thinking your thoughts about seats on flights and seats in stands.

    Tickets will not be distributed till May, so even if we could find some on-line, it would be last minute. But there are always other things to do in Switzerland than sit in the stands. But you know thatโ€ฆ

  19. Mike the Eyeguy

    Like Taize? Although I know it’s in France, not Switzerland, but still that’s close isn’t it?

  20. Mike the Eyeguy

    Oh, that’s right, you have to be under 30 to go there… ๐Ÿ™‚

  21. mmlace

    Okay, I’ve decided to drop back in and share some of my (anti)resolutions for 2008. But I’ll spare you all the rambling done over at my page and just put a concise list here.

    1. I am not going to worry as much…
    2. I am not going to be afraid of needles.
    3. I am not going to cut my hair…
    4. I am not going to be afraid to really worship.
    5. I am not going to eat…
    6. I am nto going to step on a scale…
    7. I am not going to be a pack rat…
    8. I am not going to forget how fragile and precious life is…

    If these spark your interest, feel free to click over to my page and read the explanations with each of them.

    I wish you much success in YOUR anti-resolutions, Dr. Eyeguy. Especially that #2! I surely hope you don’t do that again!

  22. Mike the Eyeguy

    Regarding #5, you might be interested in reading this and this.

  23. mmlace

    Thanks for posting those, Dr. Eyeguy! It was about a month or so ago that I posted on both my blog and my singles website about fasting. My minister left a comment, suggesting Foster’s “Celebration of Discipline.” (He’s got a book suggestion for EVERYTHING…and they’re all usually really good!)

    I remember you said something about teaching it…so I surfed over to your church’s website, where, on your class page, I found a nifty powerpoint presentation on the subject. I just had time to glance over it at the time. Went back to it more recently, but considering your #7, both the page and the powerpoint are no longer out there.

    But that’s okay. My parents are also doing that study in their Sunday School class at their church. When I was home at Christmas, I saw the book and asked my mom about it and if it was any good. She seemed to like it, said they’d be done in a couple of weeks and I could borrow her book then if I wanted to.

  24. Keith Brenton

    My anti-resolution is to start a competitive blog called Macular Degeneration and try to steal all of your loyal commenters.

  25. Mike the Eyeguy

    That’s a good one.

    Here’s mud in your eye in ’08–and blogs too!

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