Category: Humor

There’s No Wicking in Baseball!

As a runner, I’ve become hooked on so-called “wicking” fabrics like Coolmax and Nike’s Dri-Fit. The stuff uses capillary action to draw moisture away from the skin and toward the outside of the garment where it can harmlessly evaporate, leaving one cooler, drier and less chafed. And if you’ve ever gone running in 90 degree weather while wearing 100% cotton, you know what a big, bloody problem chafing can be (I’ll spare you the gory details).

But et tu baseball?

As USA Today reports, Major League Baseball has announced that beginning opening day this year, players will be tossing aside their wool caps for a newer high-tech, moisture-wicking polyester blend lid that, in theory at least, will keep players drier and more comfortable on the field.… Read the rest

You Gotta Love Those Gunnies

gunnery-sarge.jpgA young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The young officer answered,” why yes, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.”… Read the rest

His Eyes Doth Protrude Too Much

A tip o’ the lid to my friend Jason who yesterday beat me to the punch and blogged on a matter of utmost ocular importance.

During Sunday’s AFC Championship game between New England and Indianapolis, it seems much that much of the country’s attention was focused on Patriot wide receiver Reche Caldwell and his prominent peepers. Nicknamed “Headlights” by his teammates, Caldwell has eyes that appeared to nearly pop out of their sockets several times during the game, especially those two times he dropped easy catches, one all alone in the end zone. Rodney Dangerfield would have been proud–and impressed.… Read the rest

The Holiday Newsletter–Raw and Uncensored

I wonder what would happen if people wrote down the first thing that came to their minds in their holiday newsletters? What it be like if we all mailed our first drafts, raw and uncensored, rather than the spit and polish, somewhat-less-than-accurate final editions? I can only imagine…

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Dear family and friends,

Happy Holidays (there, that ought to get somebody riled up!). It’s time for that annual gagfest known as the XXX family brag sheet, uh, I mean newsletter.

I know what some of you are thinking: I need this like I need an IRS audit or a visit to the proctologist.… Read the rest

Holy Mondegreens, Batman, Here He Goes Again!

In addition to the ones I wrote about last year, here are a few more:

  • Give us this day our deli bread.
  • Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
    • We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.
    • Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    • Yield not to Penn Station.
    • Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO!
    • Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
    • While shepherds washed their socks by night

    Any worthy contributions to this list will be rewarded with a life sentence subscription to my blog plus a signed copy of my world-infamous Christmas family newsletter.… Read the rest

    Make That 47

    True story:

    In the fall of 1984, I was a skinny, malnourished first-year graduate student in clinical psychology at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. This was just shortly before I realized that I wasn’t cut out to be a psychotherapist and needed to work with something I could actually fix–like eyeballs–but I digress.

    Moving back to Blacksburg had reignited some childhood allergies which in turn had set off a touch of asthma, and that was the reason that I was in Ellett’s Drugstore on Main Street looking for drugs–any and all, please–that would give me a few moments of relief. After scooping up and paying for enough OTC medications to anesthetize a herd of charging elephants, I started out the door.… Read the rest

    They’re Such a Normal Couple

    This exchange is making the rounds:

    RR: (on his meeting with UA AD MM): “I’ve got a good job. But I respect Coach Moore and I wanted to listen to what he had to say.”

    Reporter: “How long did the meeting last?”

    RR: “I’d say about 25, 30 minutes.”

    (Then apparently turning to Mrs. RR) “How long did it last, Rita?”

    Mrs. RR: “Ninety minutes.”

    RR: “Oh. “

    (Turning back to reporter) “Well, we didn’t talk about anything specific. We didn’t talk about plans or facilities or anything.”

    Ninety minutes of nonspecific discussion (yeah right). But they’re such a normal couple, aren’t they?… Read the rest

    Will Rod Get the Nod?

    challenger-604.jpgThe Crimson Nation is all atremble this morning at the prospects of having a new HC in our clutches by day’s end. UA AD MM just happened to bump into RR in NYC and they talked turkey. Lots of turkey. Then MM, who had planned to fly on to SB to watch the CT take on ND in BB tonight, got on his chartered Canadair CL-600 Challenger 604 jet in Teterboro, NJ and flew back to T-town instead.

    Hmmmmm, strange indeed, wouldn’t you say?

    So, will Rod get the nod and get his bod down to T-town in time to save the storied Bama football program and deliver up Lucky #13?… Read the rest

    Making a List, Checking It Twice

    My source close to the Bama coach search (the bag boy down at Publix whose brother knows somebody who’s a janitor at the football complex in T-town who has the habit of rummaging through the trash) just handed me a copy of Alabama AD Mal Moore’s “To Do” list that he’ll be following today as he attends the College Football Hall of Fame Induction Ceremonies in New York City. Here it is, an Ocular Fusion exclusive:

    10. Find limo driver (the one holding the “Roll Tide?” sign)
    9. Travel to The Waldorf=Astoria Hotel in style
    8. Buy faux Rolexes from the man in the overcoat in Times Square
    7.
    … Read the rest