It was a Faustian bargain if there ever was one. The deal was that I could blog about the Olympics to my heart’s content if I would then feature a one-on-one interview with everybody’s favorite itty-bitty Bama fan, Mike the Redneck, who was about to bust his little beer gut to talk about the start of the college football season.
So yesterday the two of us sat down for a little Tuscaloosa tête-à-tête, and here’s what transpired:
MTEG: Well, look what the polecat just drug in! If it isn’t Mike the Redneck!
MTRN: Thahutt’s kute. Nice to see you too, Eyeball boy.
MTEG: Heh, heh, as they say down in Alabama, Too-shay! Well, the deal is that we would talk about football, but I have to ask: What did you think of the Olympics?
MTRN: Listen, I ain’t got nothin’ ‘gainst a bunch of folks gettin’ togetha and playin’ them thar Kommunist sports evra’ 4 years, but until they add a gold medal in FOOTBALL, I reckon I won’t be payin’ thahutt much a-tension to it.
MTEG: Aw, come on, surely there was one sport that you got into at least a little…
MTRN: Heh, well, I did take a likin’ to thahutt thar beach volleyball. Thahutt thar Misty May-Treanor reminds me of Daisy Mae Scragg, she does, ceptin’ she’s a brunette and not a blond. I hear she’s dun up and got a deal with that thar “Dancin’ With The Stars” for this fall. I’d give away my prized pair of autographed B’ar Bryant houndstooth overalls to be her padna’. I would.
MTEG: Uh, I think the idea there is that the celebrities compete against each other, not with each other…
MTRN: Oh raght, good point.
MTEG: Anything to say on politics?
MTRN: Gracie ain’t had no poly-ticks since Eyegal started usin’ that thar once-a-month medicine she got from thahutt thar Vetra-narin. You know thahutt.
MTEG: Uh, yeah, okay…on to the meat of the matter, then. I think the question that’s on everybody’s mind is this: Where have you been since Bama’s end-of-the-season implosion last year?
MTRN: Eyeguy, I got so durn depressed and thar was so much trailer trash talk bein’ hurled my way I had to hold up in one of them thar “un-dee-sklosed low-kay-shuns” for a spell. It was bad after the LSU loss, but I really hit rock bottom when we up and lost to that thar Lo-Mo. After thahutt, losin’ to them thar Barners dun ’bout put me six feet unda’. It took a heap of kouselin’ and a wash tub full of korn licker to get over thahutt un’. It did.
MTEG: We were all worried about you, so we’re really glad to see you back and that you’re feeling better. What was the one key to your rehab and comeback?
MTRN: Well, I think you know the answa’ to thahutt un’: The NUMBA ONE Ree-crootin’ klass in the nay-shun, thahutt’s what did it!
MTEG: Speaking of which, out of all the those 5 and 4-star recruits that Coach Saban landed, which one do you think will have the most immediate impact for the Crimson Tide?
MTRN: Well, you jist tossed me one of them thar’ softball questions and I’m ’bout to hit thahutt un’ outta the park! Thahutt thar Julio Jones, he’s gonna be a man among boys out thar! He is. Did you see the way he layed Rashad out with thahutt thar stiff-arm in thahutt thar scrimmage video thahutt got leaked to the interwebs? I hope you did, ’cause it ain’t thar no mo’ since Koach Saban dun up and yanked it. He didn’t wanna be givin’ Clemson our see-krets, don’t ya know.
MTEG: Yes, I did see that, it was quite impressive. And I hear juco transfer Terrence Cody will be lining up at nose tackle as well.
MTRN: Yeah, he’s a hoss, weighs close to 400 lbs and moves like a kat, he gonna be sumthin’ out thar. I heard the team went partyin’ down at one of the local T-town swimmin’ holes earlier this summer, and when he up and jumped in, he displaced so much water, he pert near emptied thahutt entire pond. He did. I reckon he’ll be displacin’ a few of them thar opposin’ Big Uglies on their big fat rears before this year is dun. He will.
MTEG: Still, this is a pretty young team, and so many newcomers getting so much playing time is likely to translate to some rookie mistakes early on and some big disappointments. Are you and the rest of the Crimson Nation ready to ride out the storm in exchange for smoother waters ahead?
MTRN: Eyeguy, I’m a firm believa’ in bein’ pay-shint and lettin’ Koach Saban and “The Process” do their thang. But you and I both know that he gonna hafta to be a little bit betta than 7-6 and the Independence Bowl if everabody’s gonna be satisfied. I believe in the man, I do, but he’s gonna hafta show us soon what he kan do. One thang’s for shore: He ain’t no B’ar Bryant–yet.
MTEG: I bet Saban bringing lucky number 13 to T-town would change your tune.
MTRN: It would shore go a long way, and afta’ all, weeze got a empty spot out thar in that Walk of Champions jist waitin’ for his stature, but even iffen thahutt happens, I doubt I’ll be layin’ my bottles of Coca-Cola and bags of Golden Flake chips at his feet, if you know whatta I mean.
MTEG: I think I do. What do you think about the new Bama Offensive Coordinator, Jim McElwain? Think he’ll have any new tricks up his sleeve?
MTRN: Well, I shore hope so, cuz there wuz times last year when thangs go so borin’ that half the stadium feel asleep during Bama drives. I mean I like the Tiffin boy and all, and Lord knows we need a good kicka’, but I did get a might tired of him steppin’ on the field for all those field goals evra’ time we got down thar in the Red Zone.
I hear Koach McElwain–whoo doggy, eva notice how klose thahutt is to McElway?–I hear he did some raght smahutt thangs out thar at Fresno State and that he got that thar’ undaperformin’ QB to get his numbas up a right smarhutt bit. But John Parker’s got good numba’s–what he needs is a shrink. So I hope McElwain got hisself one of them thar Pee-HDs in sigh-call-o-gee, cause he’s gonna need it with thahutt thar boy.
And here’s anotha’ thang: I think we gonna be doin’ a bit more runnin’ than sum people think. With Andre and Antoine and the rest of them thar Big Uglies we got, thar’s gonna be some big ol’ holes that even Glen Coffee and Terry Grant might be able to run through. There will.
MTEG: Are you concerned about Auburn’s new “Spread Eagle” Offense?
MTRN: The only kind of “Spread Eaglin'” that worries me is the kind the Poe-leece been doin’ ’round kampus on some of our boys, like Jimmy Johns, back durin’ the off season. Naw, I aint’ worried ’bout them thar’ Barners and their phancy skeems and names and whatnot. They’s jist tryin’ to impress folks. Well, good luck with thahutt, I say.
MTEG: I want to get back to Julio Jones for a second. You’re no doubt aware of the way Clemson defensive coordinator Vic Koenning tried to get something started this week by implying that Julio and fellow freshman Burton Scott received Cadillac Escalades in exchange for coming to Bama. He said that in front of several reporters, and then later tried to catch each one of them and tell them he was “just joking.”
Since that time, it’s turned into quite a little hullabaloo, with Clemson HC Tommy Bowden being forced to address the controversy for reporters. What are your feelings on the matter?
MTRN: Yeah, ol Vic, he’s a funny un’, ain’t he? A regular Jeff Foxworthy, he is. Look, there’s a reason fellers like him are assistants instid of Head Koaches–they’s dumber than a bag of hamma’s. What kind of idiot goes throwin’ out that kind of bulletin bored material on the week of a big game? And did you hear Bowden’s response? Basically, “What’s the big deal, he’s jist kiddin’.”
Kiddin’ my foot. And here’s a piece of ‘news for thahutt thar komedian–Julio drives an ol’ Chevy Tahoe, and Burton Scott was last seen puttin’ ’bout in some ol beat-up oranje jalopy. He’s jist shootin’ off his mouth and tryin’ to be kute and all, but we’s should probably be thankin’ ‘im cause I guarantee those atheltick de-part-mint tooters are gonna be readin’ that un’ to our boys all the way up to game time. Thahutt might jist produce the first “upset” of the season, although when you git raght down to it, it wouldn’t be much of un’.
MTEG: Did I just hear you correctly? Are you predicting a Bama upset over Clemson despite the nearly 12-point spread?
MTRN: I just calls ’em like I sees ’em, Eyeguy.
MTEG: Wow, indeed you do. Of course, we know that several Bama players had run-ins with the police during the off season…
MTRN: I think I already a-dressed thahutt…
MTEG: I know, I know, I was just going to say, and I think you’re going to want to comment on this, that a certain donut-loving, pumpkin-colored football coach had his own brush with the law in the form of a subpoena served to him as he arrived at Birmingham’s Wynfrey Hotel for the annual S.E.C. Media Days. Witnesses said the man who served the subpoena was about 2-inches tall, wore a pair of houndstooth overalls, and screamed, “Freeze Fatso! Roll this!”
Care to comment?
MTRN: I ain’t sayin’ it’s so, and I ain’t sayin’ no, so weeze jist gonna hafta leave it at thahutt. But I will say this: Thahutt donut stink will stick to ya like skunk. It took pert near a kase of tomater juice to git all thahutt out. It did.
MTEG: And while we’re at it, I wonder if you might address another rumor…
MTRN: Ain’t gonna do no good to say no…
MTEG: Kenny “The Snake” Stabler was arrested for DUI in the off season and eventually took a “leave of absence” from the color commentator position on the Crimson Tide Radio Network. Sources told us that you were on the short list to replace him. Any truth to that rumor?
MTRN: Thahutt ain’t no roomer, thahutt un’ is the truth. The University kontacted my agent and I went and read for the position along with Barry Krause and Tom Roberts. They said they really liked my style and all and thought thahutt I would be a hit with all those Crimson Tide fans all ova’ Alabama that ain’t never set foot anywhere’s near the Capstone. But they wuz a little koncerned thahutt those thahutt had actually dun grad-ee-ated from Bama might have a hard time understandin’ me.
Look, I git it, and thar ain’t no hard feelin’s–not evrabody’s as kultured as I am. But why in the world they picked Tom Roberts over Barry Krauss who actually played for The B’ar–God rest his sole–I’ll neva know.
MTEG: Time is growing short, so let’s cut to the chase. We all know about your prognostication prowess. How about giving us your prediction on Bama’s record for the year and where will they end up come bowl time?
MTRN: My prog, prognosta, my whut?
MTEG: You know, your ability to pick games.
MTRN: Is you bein’ sarkastic?
MTEG: No, seriously, I want to know what you think Bama’s final record will be for the year.
MTRN: 8-4 with a win over Aubie and the Chick-fee-lay Bowl (boy, I luv me sum of them thar sand-witches!).
And Head Farmer Tommy, weeze got a special salute planned for ya when you exit through that thar’ tunnel in the south end of Bryant Denny Stadium whilst weeze all be serandin’ you with the “Ramma Jamma.” I’ll give you a hint: It’ll involve one finga, not seven.
MTEG: Now, now, your redneck roots are showing through there…
MTRN: Hey, I wuz talkin’ ’bout one finga as in “We’s Numba One,” not that thar otha’ kind…
MTEG: Yeah, right. Listen, thanks for taking the time to sit down and talk with us on the eve of yet another exciting college football campaign. It’s always, uh, refreshing, to hear MTRN “raw and uncensored.”
MTRN: No problem, Eyeguy, my pleasure. Oh, and kin I say one more thang?
MTEG: Sure, go ahead.
MTRN: I know evrabody’s gettin’ all excited ’bout this weekend, and rightfully so, but let’s not forgit to say a praya’ or two for them thar folks down in New Orleans and other parts of the Gulf Coast who’s gonna end up dealin’ with thahutt thar Hurry-cane Goose-toff. Let’s pray thahutt the Good Lord will up and take a little of the edge offa this un’, cause those good folks don’t need no more trouble.
MTEG: Amen to that, MTRN. And Roll Tide!
MTRN: Roll Tide rightbackactchya, Eyeguy!