Humor Break
Okay, you had to know that there was no way that I could write a serious post like yesterday’s without taking a least a little humor break.
Conspicuously absent from the recall list is the Church of Christ. I feel much better now.
Category: Humor
That’s Why They Call It “Practice”
Everybody would like to think that their doctor has always been faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to diagnose and treat rare and exotic diseases in a single touch of a stethoscope. Nobody likes to think that their doctor may have actually been at one point a bumbling Barney Fife in a white coat.
But as this amusing and poignant view of early clinical training shows, chances are, they probably were. After all, that’s why they call it “practice.” My question is: why do they continue to call it that even after you graduate?… Read the rest
Here She Comes Again
Visitor Analysis
Google Search String: Nike Cortez history
Date: 25th June 2007
Time: 12:02:45
Host Name: barrierc241.nike.com
Country: United States
Region: Oregon
City: Beaverton
ISP: Nike Incorporated
Visit Length: 2 mins 18 secs
————————————
Our Lady of Perpetual Branding is back again and checking out my blog. Only this time, she stayed a full 2 minutes and 18 seconds! That means she actually lingered this time!
Now that I have her attention, what should I ask/tell her? I’m open to suggestions.… Read the rest
What, Me Floss?
I just returned from my semiannual teeth cleaning at my dentist’s office. After 20 minutes of me suppressing my gag reflex while my hygienist rooted around in my mouth with a sandblaster, an industrial strength shop-vac, tiny pickaxe and enough gauze to wrap King Tut five times over, she declared:
“Either you’re completely fooling me or you’ve been doing much better with your flossing.”
What, me floss? Wow, a Pollyanna dental hygienist–I didn’t know they existed.
All I can say is: Ha! Gotcha!
I floss the same way that many of my patients use their glaucoma drops: that is, only during the week leading up to my next appointment.… Read the rest
Hit the Shower, Frank
Commentator Frank Deford has another fine outing at the mic.
Counting words. Hmmm. I like that idea. I wonder if it would work in church?… Read the rest
Forrest Knows Best
Some of us will be headed down to Tuscaloosa later today so that Number One can attend Bama Bound, the student orientation at the University of Alabama. Needless to say, he’ll be facing some very tough decisions.
Nah, I’m not talking about classes. I figure that there’ll be plenty of sections of “N’Yuck, N’Yuck, N’Yuk–The Three Stooges in the 21st Century” and “Careers in Guitar Hero–You Too Can Be Ronnie Van Zant” to choose from.
I’m talking about more important stuff like football.
You see, since the resurgence of interest in Crimson Tide football following the hiring of multimillion dollar messiah Nick Saban, the student government moved last spring to only allow entering freshman to attend part of the scheduled home games so that more tickets could be spread around and more students could attend.… Read the rest
My Three Sons
Fred MacMurray never had it this good.
(H/t to running buddy Joe V. and his big, long lens for the shot of Number One receiving his diploma).
Grissom High mercifully moved 469 grads through the line with machine-like efficiency.
Chaos did start to descend on the affair, though, by the time they got to the “S’s.” As the shout-outs and air horns grew louder and more boisterous, the grads who had received their diplomas returned to their seats and began to blow up the large number of inflatable balls that they had smuggled in beneath their robes.
At first the faculty members tried to confiscate the balls, but after they saw them propagating like rabbits, they finally gave up.… Read the rest
If You Think My John Deere’s Sexy…
You know that tractor song? Well, he wasn’t just whistling Dixie.
Yes, I graduated from Franklin County High School, and today, needless to say, I am a proud alumnus.
If you think my John Deere’s sexy, then wait’ll you see that Bush Hog I’ve got parked out in the shed.
Pretty Grads All in a Robe
Yesterday was Senior Sunday at our church. That’s “senior” as in high school, not the over-the-hill, AARP type. There were 26 seniors this year, which, as we say in the South, is a whole big mess of ’em.
They marched down the center aisle of the church, clad in their graduations robes–brown, burgundy, white, red, purple, power blue. This was the start of a new tradition this year. But just barely. It was announced last week that they would wear their robes, and as one might expect, there was a great hue and cry and a week’s worth of high drama.… Read the rest
Hope Springs Eternal in the Crimson Breast
With apologies to Alexander Pope:
Hope springs eternal in the Crimson breast,
Saban struts the sideline, but will he pass the test?
The Bear, restless and uneasy, watching from on high,
Spots Saban’s big straw hat, hangs his head, and sighs.
92,138 for a spring football game.
Roll Tide, Roll.… Read the rest
Precious Memories
Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight
Precious sacred scenes unfold–from the gospel hymn “Precious Memories”
Among the idle thoughts that rattled around in my brain driving back and forth to Birmingham this weekend was my earliest memory.
It must have been sometime in early to mid-1963 when I was around 18-20 months old. It’s the middle of the night and I’m waking up fussing and crying in my crib. I look up and my mother is standing over me, her hair matted and her eyes half-closed, and she hands me a baby bottle filled with Coca-Cola which I eagerly grab and begin to suckle vigorously like a new-born piglet on his mother’s teat.… Read the rest
This is Neutrality?
Switzerland, who has always fed us the line about how “oh, we don’t actually take sides,” finally showed their true colors (and they weren’t red and white) and stepped over the line, so to speak.
This is neutrality? Note to Swiss soldiers: Stand down; we’re on to you now. Just take off those ridiculous, multicolored baggy britches you guys call camo, toss us those Swiss Army knives and stack up your pikes in a big pile right over there.
When I heard the news, I immediately thought about my Swiss-based blogger friend Brady and hoped that he was keeping his head down and was okay.… Read the rest
Found Jesus? Part II
Bad boy Billy Ray finally came forward for baptism at a Church of Christ in L.A. (Lower Alabama). Preacher and the whole con-gree-gay-shun rushed down to the river before Billy Ray changed his mind.
Preacher put him under quickly, making sure that all body parts were completely covered by the cleansing flood. He held Billy Ray under a right smahutt time, sews it would take real good and all.
Finally, he lifted Billy Ray out of the water. “Have you found Jesus?” Preacher asked.
Gagging and spitting, Billy Ray tried to reply but couldn’t before Preacher did something highly unorthodox for a Church of Christ evangelist–he put him under again.… Read the rest
Thadd Gummit!
THE Ohio State University coach Thadd Matta didn’t take very good care of the gum during Sunday’s game with Wisconsin.
However, as you can see, he recovers very nicely, Thadd gummit!
Now don’t go wagging your finger at Thadd Matta. You’ve probably done the same thing (or worse). The only difference is that you didn’t have a couple of million people watching.… Read the rest
Found Jesus?
Lieutenant Dan: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?
Forrest Gump: I didn’t know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.
So who would you rather hang out with, James Cameron or Forrest Gump?… Read the rest