Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

I hear tell there’s going to be some kind of football game tonight, yea, even a so-called national championship.

Prognosticate away. The winner will receive a signed copy of my memoir, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Optometrist.

I find myself in dire straits this morning. On the one hand, rooting for the Florida Gators cuts against every grain of my being. On the other hand, I want more than anything to shut up the yapper of this guy and the rest of the ESPN talking heads who have spent the last month and a half trashing the Southeastern Conference and my adopted home state of Alabama.… Read the rest

C’est la vie

Among the immutable facts of life this morning:

  • A new Bama head football coach will be greeted at the airport like a Messiah
  • Relatives will get together over the holidays and pass both the good cheer and the common cold from one person to another
  • No matter how much vacation you take from work, it’s never enough
  • A boss will overlook the 99 things you did right and focus on the one thing you did wrong
  • The new party in power will “usher in a new era” with overdone rhetoric and revelry

Please feel free to pitch in with a few immutable facts of your own.… Read the rest

De Plane, De Plane! No Really, I’m Not Kidding This Time

de-plane.jpg

(photo by Michael Palmer of TideSports.com)

Update 1/4: Hmmm. Pom poms instead of palm leaves…a Lear jet instead of an ass…

… Read the rest

Blogging the Wonder Years–Weighing In On Watergate, Chapter VI

gerald-ford.jpgWith the recent day of mourning in honor of President Gerald Ford, it seemed fitting to revive my dormant series, Blogging the Wonder Years.

What’s the connection? Well, as you may recall, in my personal journal that I kept for Ms. Fine’s 7th grade class at Burnt Chimney Elementary School in Wirtz, Virginia, I not only dealt with my “touchy-feely” emotional side, adolescent angst and roiling hormones, but I also responded to the issues and events of the day. Previous excerpts included reflections and rants on my personal emotional and psychological growth during my first 6 years of elementary school, guys with long hair, so-called friends who called me “shorty,” cussing and the 70’s music scene (highly recommended since that was my highest comment post ever).… Read the rest

Dear St. Nick–Take the Money and Run!

Dear St. Nick:

I know it’s customary to write to you before Christmas, so I hope it’s not too late. I just have one piece of advice for you: take the money and run, Nick, run!

Meanwhile, just in case things don’t work out, I’m hedging my bets and ordering a Boise State t-shirt, despite the fact that I’ve never set foot in the state of Idaho.

… Read the rest

The Holiday Newsletter–Raw and Uncensored

I wonder what would happen if people wrote down the first thing that came to their minds in their holiday newsletters? What it be like if we all mailed our first drafts, raw and uncensored, rather than the spit and polish, somewhat-less-than-accurate final editions? I can only imagine…

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Dear family and friends,

Happy Holidays (there, that ought to get somebody riled up!). It’s time for that annual gagfest known as the XXX family brag sheet, uh, I mean newsletter.

I know what some of you are thinking: I need this like I need an IRS audit or a visit to the proctologist.… Read the rest

Holy Mondegreens, Batman, Here He Goes Again!

In addition to the ones I wrote about last year, here are a few more:

  • Give us this day our deli bread.
  • Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
    • We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.
    • Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    • Yield not to Penn Station.
    • Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO!
    • Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
    • While shepherds washed their socks by night

    Any worthy contributions to this list will be rewarded with a life sentence subscription to my blog plus a signed copy of my world-infamous Christmas family newsletter.… Read the rest

    Holiday Letters–Yea or Nay?

    Sorry, there won’t be the usual stunningly professional, thought-provoking and humorous post today. You see, I used up all my good stuff on the holiday letter that I composed this weekend. You know, the newsy and chatty one that you send to all your far-flung friends regaling them with the events of the year and about how all the men are strong, the women good-looking and the children way, way above average in your little neck of the woods.

    If you’re still working on yours (news flash: you’d better hurry), then you might find this list of helpful hints useful. Or not.… Read the rest