Category: Humor

Hannah Montana 1, War 0

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July means church soccer camp and that in turn means that our children’s minister will be calling me again to see if I would be willing to coach. I tell him what I tell him every year, that I really am retired this time, and I go into medical textbook detail about the scar tissue around my L5-S1 vertebrae and how I can run in a straight line reasonably well, but add the constant start and stop plus the twisting, lateral movements of your typical children’s soccer camp and it’s Sciatica City for me. On and on it goes, year in and year out.… Read the rest

Tunnel Vision, Man

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The following conversation recently took place in a local health care provider’s office. All names have been deleted in order to protect confidentiality and the sacred bong bond between doctor and patient:

Patient (hereafter referred to as “P”): “Doc, I’ve been havin’ these spells of tunnel vision, man.”

Doctor (hereafter referred to as “D”): “In one eye or both eyes?”

P: “Both.”

D: “How long has this been going on?”

P: “Oh, at least 5 or 6 years.” (translation: So long that he can’t really remember)

D: “How often does this happen?”

P: “Um, hard to say, pretty often I guess.”… Read the rest

The Dreaded “G”

I have come to the point where I question the validity of online quizzes, inventories and assessments. Why you ask?

Because of this:

Free Online Dating

This is the so-called “rating” that Ocular Fusion received when I visited the site “What’s My Blog Rated?”

That’s right, after nearly two years of edgy, envelope-pushing, controversial-topic-broaching, blood-pressure-popping blogging, all I get is the “Dreaded ‘G.'” I thought for sure I would get at least a PG, maybe even a PG-13 what with an entire category devoted to the topic of “Sex” and all. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would merit the money-making “R,” but a “G?”… Read the rest

That’s Why They Call It “Practice”

student_doctors.jpgEverybody would like to think that their doctor has always been faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to diagnose and treat rare and exotic diseases in a single touch of a stethoscope. Nobody likes to think that their doctor may have actually been at one point a bumbling Barney Fife in a white coat.

But as this amusing and poignant view of early clinical training shows, chances are, they probably were. After all, that’s why they call it “practice.” My question is: why do they continue to call it that even after you graduate?… Read the rest

Here She Comes Again

Visitor Analysis

Google Search String: Nike Cortez history

Date: 25th June 2007

Time: 12:02:45

Host Name: barrierc241.nike.com

Country: United States

Region: Oregon

City: Beaverton

ISP: Nike Incorporated

Visit Length: 2 mins 18 secs

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Our Lady of Perpetual Branding is back again and checking out my blog. Only this time, she stayed a full 2 minutes and 18 seconds! That means she actually lingered this time!

Now that I have her attention, what should I ask/tell her? I’m open to suggestions.… Read the rest

What, Me Floss?

I just returned from my semiannual teeth cleaning at my dentist’s office. After 20 minutes of me suppressing my gag reflex while my hygienist rooted around in my mouth with a sandblaster, an industrial strength shop-vac, tiny pickaxe and enough gauze to wrap King Tut five times over, she declared:

“Either you’re completely fooling me or you’ve been doing much better with your flossing.”

What, me floss? Wow, a Pollyanna dental hygienist–I didn’t know they existed.

All I can say is: Ha! Gotcha!

I floss the same way that many of my patients use their glaucoma drops: that is, only during the week leading up to my next appointment.… Read the rest

Forrest Knows Best

gumpbamacoach.jpgSome of us will be headed down to Tuscaloosa later today so that Number One can attend Bama Bound, the student orientation at the University of Alabama. Needless to say, he’ll be facing some very tough decisions.

Nah, I’m not talking about classes. I figure that there’ll be plenty of sections of “N’Yuck, N’Yuck, N’Yuk–The Three Stooges in the 21st Century” and “Careers in Guitar Hero–You Too Can Be Ronnie Van Zant” to choose from.

I’m talking about more important stuff like football.

You see, since the resurgence of interest in Crimson Tide football following the hiring of multimillion dollar messiah Nick Saban, the student government moved last spring to only allow entering freshman to attend part of the scheduled home games so that more tickets could be spread around and more students could attend.… Read the rest

My Three Sons

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Fred MacMurray never had it this good.

(H/t to running buddy Joe V. and his big, long lens for the shot of Number One receiving his diploma).

Grissom High mercifully moved 469 grads through the line with machine-like efficiency.

Chaos did start to descend on the affair, though, by the time they got to the “S’s.” As the shout-outs and air horns grew louder and more boisterous, the grads who had received their diplomas returned to their seats and began to blow up the large number of inflatable balls that they had smuggled in beneath their robes.

At first the faculty members tried to confiscate the balls, but after they saw them propagating like rabbits, they finally gave up.… Read the rest

Pretty Grads All in a Robe

Yesterday was Senior Sunday at our church. That’s “senior” as in high school, not the over-the-hill, AARP type. There were 26 seniors this year, which, as we say in the South, is a whole big mess of ’em.

They marched down the center aisle of the church, clad in their graduations robes–brown, burgundy, white, red, purple, power blue. This was the start of a new tradition this year. But just barely. It was announced last week that they would wear their robes, and as one might expect, there was a great hue and cry and a week’s worth of high drama.… Read the rest

Precious Memories

Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight
Precious sacred scenes unfold

–from the gospel hymn “Precious Memories”

Among the idle thoughts that rattled around in my brain driving back and forth to Birmingham this weekend was my earliest memory.

It must have been sometime in early to mid-1963 when I was around 18-20 months old. It’s the middle of the night and I’m waking up fussing and crying in my crib. I look up and my mother is standing over me, her hair matted and her eyes half-closed, and she hands me a baby bottle filled with Coca-Cola which I eagerly grab and begin to suckle vigorously like a new-born piglet on his mother’s teat.… Read the rest

This is Neutrality?

swiss-guards.jpgSwitzerland, who has always fed us the line about how “oh, we don’t actually take sides,” finally showed their true colors (and they weren’t red and white) and stepped over the line, so to speak.

This is neutrality? Note to Swiss soldiers: Stand down; we’re on to you now. Just take off those ridiculous, multicolored baggy britches you guys call camo, toss us those Swiss Army knives and stack up your pikes in a big pile right over there.

When I heard the news, I immediately thought about my Swiss-based blogger friend Brady and hoped that he was keeping his head down and was okay.… Read the rest