Category: Humor

Feeling the Heat

Team Clinton is feeling the heat of Operation Obama Bumper.

Apparently my frequent trips from home to Starbucks to work to Panera Bread to work to Little Rosie’s Taqueria and then back home (with a quick stop at Target to pick up some prescriptions and get a gallon of milk) have found their mark.

Co-President Bill Clinton has been dispatched to Huntsville in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding.

At first, he had plans to attend a $1000 a plate fundraiser at the home of a prominent local attorney. I know where that house is, and I had thought about stopping by yesterday in my “fired up” sedan and taking a picture of The Sticker with the house in the background.… Read the rest

Which is Better, Cat or Dog?

For some reason, this quote has been circling in my head over the past couple of weeks. I take this to be a sign that I should post it, so here it is:

To know and to serve God, of course, is why we’re here, a clear truth, that, like the nose on your face, is near at hand and easily discernible but can make you dizzy if you try to focus on it hard. But a little faith will see you through. What else will do except faith in such a cynical, corrupt time? When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

… Read the rest

Grassroots Gab

As the polls closed and the pundits pontificated Tuesday evening, the grassroots gab was flying fast and furious in the cramped study of a modest, lily-white, suburban ranch home somewhere in the Deep South:

Fourteen-year-old son: So Dad, what’s the deal with these primaries?

Pater Familias: They’re the process that each party uses to select its nominee for the general election. In most cases, the candidates are competing for that state’s delegates who would then have to promise to vote for the winner at the convention next summer.

Son: Okaaay…so Pops, if Hillary wins, are we going to move?

PF: Move where?… Read the rest

My Top Ten Anti-Resolutions for 2008

Why start off 2008 with a laundry list of resolutions that I know I won’t keep? No, no, better to make anti-resolutions, things that I know, absolutely without a doubt, I will never, ever do this year…

1) Serve on another committee. I wasn’t just any committee member. I was a bona fide read-all-the-emails, attend-all-the-meetings, believed-I-could-actually-make-a-difference kind of committee member. I was determined to overcome my natural cynicism and play well with others. Ha! What was I thinking? Eyegal kept telling me: “Careful, Mike, you’re gonna get burned.”

I hate it the way she’s right all the time. Bureaucracies, whether they be at work or church (and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference), suck.… Read the rest

She’s No Lumberjack’s Wife

All you Fusioneers who are waiting around with bated breath for the reincarnation resurrection of Ocular Fusion into whatever-the-heck-it’s-gonna-become are no doubt starving for something good to read in my absence.

Well, never fear, my friend Jason is here. Jason, former youth minister and now associate minister and right hand man to the Big Kahuna, would be the first to tell you that he’s not afraid to explore the feminine side of things, and of course, these days, there’s no shame in that. So it was no surprise, really, that he freely admits to reading this.

He got one thing wrong, though–she’s no lumberjack’s wife.… Read the rest

Happy Birthday, Eyegal!

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** years ago today, Eyegal was born. The world has not been the same since. Especially my world.

Eyegal, I just want you to know that those arbitrary chronological units based on the orbit of the Earth around the Sun mean nothing to me. You’re still hotter than a Fourth of July firecracker. Period.

Happy Birthday, Dear Heart. Everybody now: Happy Birthday, Eyegal!

… Read the rest

Ivy League or Bust at Age Seven

Eyegal has just started doing some substitute teaching at a local, K-12 prep school that has the reputation (well-earned, I believe) of providing the finest academic training in North Alabama. There the sons and daughters of the area’s doctors, lawyers and corporate heads begin their long odyssey of learning which will someday lead to them taking their rightful place on top of the socioeconomic pile.

And there are others too who are not quite so well off, the sons and daughters of faculty plus those who are there on scholarship, trying to rise above bad starts and bad situations. She’s been teaching first and second graders, and overall, she’s found the kids to be bright, polite and charming to a fault and eager to learn.… Read the rest

I’m the Dog on the Right

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–Bunny Hoest and John Reiner

I know it’s probably not that funny, but for some reason it struck me so. The laugh that ensued–a soul-cleansing guffaw– sprang from a deep, wounded place, and the tears flowed freely like a baptism of mirth, washing away my weekend woes (and no, they had nothing to do with football).

Sometimes God uses a burning bush, and sometime He just comes along and whacks you up side the head with a good joke.

In case you don’t recognize me, I’m the dog on the right. And yes, I do occasionally play dead. But I tell you one thing–under no circumstances will I ever roll over.… Read the rest

Gameday Behavior

The University of Alabama promotes good sportsmanship by student-athletes, coaches and spectators. Fans must conduct themselves with good sportsmanship to reflect the high standards of honor and dignity that characterize The University of Alabama. Anyone associated with an athletic program or event should reflect respect, fairness, civility, responsibility and courtesy to others. Profanity, vulgar cheers, intimidating actions, intoxication, belligerent or abusive behaviors will not be tolerated. Fans attending Alabama football games are expected to stay off the playing field, including after the game, and will not throw objects onto the field.

Positive support of the players, coaches and officials is strongly encouraged.

… Read the rest

A Rush of Blood to the Head

I’m not talking about the Coldplay album–although it’s a good one. I’m talking about the rush of blood to the head that occurs anytime you take a good lick to your noggin’. For Garrison Keillor, a close encounter with a low-lying beam elicits the memory of his old battle-hardened, ex-Marine journalism professor at the University of Minnesota, Mr. Robert Lindsay. For me, it’s the memory of the understated brutality of my old, formaldehyde-soaked anatomy professor at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, Dr. Steven Zehren.

For the most part, I sailed through an academically challenging public high school and Harding University without too much difficulty.… Read the rest

The Naked Dream

“The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

–Genesis 2:25

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”

–Genesis 3:7

Yesterday was Number Three Son’s first day of public high school. Like his brothers, he was homeschooled for the first eight years (oh my, the poor barefoot, sheltered, undersocialized, top-buttoned-up little thing!) and now we’re turning throwing him into the deep end of the pool. Sink or swim, son. That’s life.

He woke up considerably earlier than usual yesterday and made the necessary ablutions and preparations (including turning on the early edition of Sports Center).… Read the rest

I Spy the Eyeguy

A small minority of Fusioneers are apparently starting to clamor for an Eyeguy sighting. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why, but facts are facts.

I tried to give readers an idea of what I looked like here. I even dropped another not-so-subtle hint here (Quick! Somebody slather that boy’s head with Dippity Do!). But apparently even those weren’t enough.

Alright already. I’ve hesitated to post this because I really try hard not to rub it in. But remember, you asked for it.

Here I am.

… Read the rest

Harry Potter 1, David Beckham 0

Potter v. Beckham:

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Are you ready to rumblllllle?!

Actually, with Potter already rolling across the internet and Becks hobbled by a bum left ankle and unlikely to see action v. Chelsea, this one was over before the opening whistle. Maybe Becks should consider taking up Quidditch. Less stress on the joints and all.

Final Score: Harry Potter 1, David Beckham 0

… Read the rest