Category: Humor

Correction–It’s the Doughboy!

Thanks to Scott Freeman, we now have some new information to mull over this morning regarding the Burger King-Antichrist connection.

In the comments section of yesterday’s post, Scott chimed in with this pearl:

“You know the founder of Burger King was COC right?”

I replied:

“Get out of here! Really? No, I wasn’t aware of this, but that does thicken the plot considerably.

Well, now that you’ve piqued our curiosity, we’re waiting with bated breath to hear more. Do you happen to know if he was premillenial or amillenial?”

Then he shot back:

“I may be wrong. But during my first youth ministry gig I worked with a former missionary to Brazil.

Read the rest

Is He the Antichrist?

creepyking-775233.JPGThere is much ado about what day it is, you know, that day. And of course, the discussion invariably comes around to who is the Antichrist. A long list of famous people have been nominated over the years, but as I survey the cultural landscape these days, a leading candidate to me is that creepy monarch fronting for the international fast-food chain, Burger King.

There’s already been a good expose written on “The King” elsewhere, and many other scary details can be found here. Despite the fact that I rarely eat there (I prefer to receive a month’s worth of fat and cholesterol over the course of at least 15 days as opposed to one sitting, thank you very much), I just can’t get this guy out of my mind.… Read the rest

Dear NPR–Look No Further, I’m Your Man!

radio_microphone.jpgDear Anonymous National Public Radio (NPR) employee,

Thank you for stopping by Ocular Fusion at 1:49:04 PM on Thursday, June 1, 2006. I noticed that you didn’t reach my blog via a referring link such as a search engine or another blog. That probably means that you either had my site bookmarked or perhaps emailed to you by one of the many talent scouts whom you’ve no doubt commissioned to scour the highways, byways and backwoods of America for fresh, emerging commentators and writers such as yours truly.

I’ll try to overlook the fact that you didn’t browse through any of my posts and that my stat counter indicated that you stayed approximately “0 seconds” before moving on.… Read the rest

Ocular Fusion 2.0–I’ll Be Watching You

the-all-seeing-eye_1_-217x240.jpgWhoa, what just happened you ask? Through the magic of a small piece of HTML-code strategically placed in my old site, you’ve been caught up and whisked away to Ocular Fusion 2.0 ( Talk about your raptures. Or would that be an alien abduction?

Anyway, now that you’re here stick around and, as we say in the South, “sit a spell.” I’ve still got some tweaking to do, but the bulk of the renovation is complete. Unlike my desk at work, the new site is clean, uncluttered and easy to navigate. No more depressing black either. I’ve decided (with fashion imput from my color consultant Scott) that brighter and cheerier colors are in order, the better to reflect my, uh, sanguine personality.… Read the rest

Blogging–The Wonder Years, Chapter V

Speaking of Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr. (aka John Denver), in 1974 he was one of my favorite musical artists, along with Elton John, Steely Dan, The Eagles and Bachman Turner Overdrive (BTO). I was pretty eclectic, even though I had no idea at the time what that word meant. All I knew was that I liked it loud–“Annie’s Song” was simply not the same unless it was belted out at the top of one’s lungs with the radio volume button turned all the way to the right.

Hence the problem. This was long before the advent of “personal listening devices” such as iPods, back in the stone-age when LP stereos were located in common areas and a set of headphones was a rare luxury.… Read the rest

Blogging–The (Bleep) Wonder Years, Chapter IV

In 1972, comedian George Carlin released the monologue, Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television on his album Class Clown. In 1973, some of those words even made it onto the radio airwaves when WBAI-FM broadcast, uncensored, another Carlin monologue containing the same profanity.

My parents wouldn’t even let me watch M*A*S*H or All in the Family much less listen to Carlin, but that never stopped a preteen who was determined to hear what all the fuss was about. The problem was I had the kind of mother who always had the uncanny knack of knowing when my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition was going to arrive and intercepting it before I could get home from school, so coming by critical information in those days wasn’t easy.… Read the rest

Blogging–The Wonder Years, Chapter III

They got little hands
Little eyes
They walk around
Tellin’ great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live
–from Randy Newman’s “Short People”

If you’ve spent any time at all reading Ocular Fusion, you’re no doubt aware of my enduring love for basketball. If you were to go further and scan the pages of my elementary school scrapbook, you would find that I listed basketball as my “favorite activity” from second grade through seventh (there was that little “tag” business in first grade, but that hardly counts).… Read the rest

Blogging–The Wonder Years, Chapter II

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain’t no words
For the beauty,the splendor, the wonder of my…
Hair, HAIR, hair, HAIR, hair, HAIR, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair.
–from the song “Hair”

In September, 1974, it was near midnight in the Age of Aquarius and all was not well in the United States of America. Signs of upheaval were everywhere–the Vietnam war was drawing to an inglorious close, Patricia Hearst had been kidnapped (or had she?),… Read the rest

The Great Golf Conspiracy

In a brilliant display of investigative reporting, the paper of record, The New York Times, discovered recently that the CEO of Morgan Stanley, John Mack, is maneuvering to place certain golfing buddies on the board of directors.

Coming soon: the NYT’s blockbuster report on the late Pope John Paul II’s suspected dabbling in (gasp!) Catholicism!

Obviously, the Gray Lady’s reporting of a story which is, well, so obvious, is deserving of a send-up of the highest magnitude. For that task, there’s no better person for the job than my favorite sports commentator and writer, Frank Deford. Mr. Deford is rightly concerned over this development and it’s impact on our country’s future.… Read the rest

Blogging–The Wonder Years, Chapter I

Although I started Ocular Fusion in October, 2005, it turns out that my blogging roots go back quite a ways–the fall of 1974 to be precise. That was when Ms. Fine, my 7th grade teacher at Burnt Chimney Elementary School in Wirtz, Virginia, gave us the assignment of keeping a journal. I suppose like all good teachers she wanted us to learn to write well by writing often. Also, I’m sure that she had learned in teacher school that it was good for young people to “explore and express their feelings.” Of course, maybe she was just plain nosey too.… Read the rest

The Young Man and the Creek

“Fish, I love you and respect you very much. But I will kill you dead before this day ends.”

“Then the fish came alive, with his death in him, and rose high out of the water showing all his great length and width and all his power and his beauty.”

–from Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea

Unlike Santiago, Number Two Son had no intention of killing the Great Goldfish. But he was, by gosh, determined to snag him in his net and put him in his place. It would be his personal rite of passage, a test of his budding manhood pitting his own power against the greatest of beasts, an attempt to discern his rank in Nature’s cold and cruel hierarchy.… Read the rest

Hey Nike, I Told You Average Joes Are Cool!

A while back in my post Hey Nike, I’m Your Man!, I made the case that large megacorporations such as the Winged Goddess of Victory should take a look at “Average Joes” (such as yours truly) instead of professional athletes when it comes to endorsements and ad campaigns. What better way to connect with the Common Man or Woman than to feature one of their own, struggling to balance their mundane, workaday duties with the ongoing obligation to fitness and athletic achievement?

Well, Nike still hasn’t called me to endorse the Air Max 360, but apparently somebody’s been reading my blog!… Read the rest

You Are Entering a No Prayer Zone

If anyone showed up at my church last night thinking that there might be a little “praying and praising” going inside, they received a rude awakening when they were greeted by this sign. Who needs a funny church sign generator when you have the real thing right there in front of you?

OK, by way of explanation, “Praise and Prayer” is the name of our upbeat Wednesday night “Peak of the Week” style devotional designed to recharge our spiritual batteries so that we can run (not walk or crawl) past “Hump Day” and on through the rest of the work week.… Read the rest

A Traitor In Our Midst

The clock is ticking and you have until 11:00AM CST to enter the “Ocular Fusion Gang” pool at USA Today’s March Mania. The details on how to enter can be found here. So far, there’s only me, Number One and Number Three sons, and some person named “House of Orange.” I only know two people in my circle who would use such a moniker–Jason the Youth Minister and Jason the GynGuy, my brother-in-law. I’m not sure which one it is, but welcome nevertheless.

I’ve got news for you though. The Vols are overranked at a #2 seed, but I do have them making the Sweet 16 and falling to the team whose name we dare not speak (although I promise I will not be disappointed if the Big Orange prevails against the lads in those prissy, powder blue uniforms).… Read the rest

Manly Sweat

Bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things. I Timothy 4:8

As you can see from the update at the bottom of my previous post, Lipscomb came up short in their game against UTEP in the first round of the NIT in El Paso last night. Nothing to be ashamed of there, though, as the Bisons still had a great year and their first invitation to a D-I post-season tournament. I’m wondering how many of those visiting teams who had to make long road trips to play in the first round won their games last night? Chances are, few if any.… Read the rest