Category: Humor

Lips….comb. Oh, Now I Get It!

“They said we were going to play in our geographical area. I guess they meant the United States.”–Lipscomb University basketball coach Scott Sanderson

Heh, that’s pretty funny, just the kind of quippy soundbite you might expect from the son of colorful former Crimson Tide basketball coach “Wimp” Sanderson. Don’t be fooled, though. Although there won’t be much purple and gold in the crowd, Coach Sanderson is still happy to be taking his Bisons to their first post-season appearance as a Division I team--even if it does mean traveling over 1300 miles from Nashville to El Paso, Texas to take on the UTEP Miners tonight in the first round of the National Invitational Tournament (NIT).… Read the rest

My Favorite Barneyisms

There are many who are weighing in on the passing of Don Knotts, American funnyman whose iconic character of small-town deputy Barney Fife memorialized the earnest efforts of all downtrodden, skinny, bug-eyed low men on the totem pole everywhere who have ever longed to make a difference and be taken seriously.

And of course, many are waxing eloquently, much better than I ever could. Some good tributes can be found here and here. I thought my humble contribution to the cause would be to list some of my favorite “Barneyisms.” I just hope I can get through these without having to take a hit off my asthma inhaler:… Read the rest

Fantasies on Ice

It was a strange scene, one that forced me to stop and do a double-take. There in my living room sat/slouched three red meat and potatoes, football loving, video game playing, Southern white-bread boys with table manners that would make a medieval baron blush, watching, of all things, Olympic ice dancing.

It didn’t take me long to figure out why. “Wait till you see the Americans in second place, Dad. They’re really good,” they said. I think what they meant to say was, “Wait till you see Tanith Belbin skating with ol’ what’s-his-name. She’s HOT!”

My sons, along with millions of other adolescent boys across the globe, had been smitten with the captivating good looks (and yes, she can skate well too) of Canadian-born, recently naturalized U.S.… Read the rest

Talkin’ ‘Bout Eyegal, Eyegal!

I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May.
I guess you’ll say,
What can make me feel this way?
Eyegal (Eyegal, Eyegal)
Talkin’ ’bout Eyegal (Eyegal!)
Ooooh Hoooo.

With apologies to The Temptations, I’d like to do a little talkin’ ’bout my Eyegal in honor of St. Valentine’s Day.

I first spotted Eyegal sitting in the row in front of me in developmental psychology at Harding University in the Fall of 1982. Little did we know then what would develop from that little chance encounter. Although I didn’t ask her out right away, we competed for who would get the highest scores on tests and quizzes (she almost beat me on a couple of occasions) and had lunch a few times at Heritage Cafeteria before she went off to spend a semester in Europe.… Read the rest

Barking Up the Wrong Tree

I’m always amused by the search strings that lead some to land on Ocular Fusion. There have been some post-worthy ones in the past, but this one takes the cake. Both yesterday and this morning, several visitors Googled “school closings for the blizzard of 06,” and when they followed the link of the #1 hit, lo and behold, they landed here!

In what can only be described as a cruel and ironic twist of fate, apparently there have been several of my fellow citizens who are seeking critical survival information in the blizzard-bound Northeast and have landed on my site only to get some Alabama hayseed prattling on about bread and milk runs at the local grocery store.… Read the rest

The Great Blizzard of ’06

As you can see from the picture of my street taken just a few minutes ago, things are pretty rough in Huntsville this morning. The Great Blizzard of ’06 which we all feared is upon us. Things are shut down pretty tight–good thing I was able to beat off that little 80-year-old lady for that last loaf of bread at Target yesterday. As for the 5-year-old boy whom I tackled for that gallon of milk, well, life is tough and hardly fair and he might as well learn it sooner rather than later.

Since I am considered “necessary personnel,” I will attempt the treacherous drive to work through this blinding blizzard–just hope I don’t suffer from “white-out.”… Read the rest

A New Nom De Plume

“To this day, the eye gives me a cold shudder.”

–Charles Darwin

The eye, the very thing that gave ol’ Chuck a case of the chills, never fails to give me a case of the warm fuzzies. I’m up to my eyeballs in eyeballs, and frankly, most days, I’m happier than a pig in slop. I believe I have an office with the best view in town and sometimes I get so enraptured by the beauty and complexity of this organ of sight that I get a little behind in my daily schedule because I just can’t stop staring.

I guess you could say that I’m an “eyeguy,” and in fact, many folks in these parts say just that.… Read the rest

You Don’t Mess Around with Oprah

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape,
you don’t spit into the wind.
You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger,
and you don’t mess around with…Oprah, da do da do…

Ok, I admit that’s not how the song really goes. But if you happened to catch the Oprah Winfrey show on Thursday (I did not, mind you) and saw “A Million Little Pieces”author James Frey face an angry Oprah and a studio audience consisting of mostly p.o.’ed post-menopausal women, you may have caught yourself singing it this way.… Read the rest

Hey Nike, I’m Your Man!

You may not walk on water with the latest and greatest Nike running shoe, but you will be running on a cushion of pure, 100% air. But if you want a pair of the new Nike Air Max 360s set to debut this week, be prepared for some sticker shock–at $160 per pair, pure air doesn’t come cheap.

According to a Nike researcher who developed the shoe, “This is about trying to get people to run faster, better and longer and about minimizing the risk of injuries.” That sounds good to me, because as I have pointed out before, fast is good.… Read the rest

Hare Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Ok, I know how it goes. You have the best of intentions of following through on my suggestion from yesterday and watching It’s a Wonderful Life with your family this Christmas, but your busy holiday, er, I mean Christmas schedule just won’t allow it. Maybe you’ve got miles to travel, last-second shopping to do, or perhaps you’ll be picketing down at the local Wal-Mart or Target with a sign that reads, “Merry Christmas…or else!”

Don’t despair. To the rescue in our fast-food, instant gratification world rides this 30-second short film parody of It’s a Wonderful Life starring the cute, adorable little hares of the world famous 30 Second Bunnies Theatre Troupe.… Read the rest

Holy Mondegreens

Mondegreen (noun)–a series of words that result from the mishearing or misinterpretation of a statement or a song lyric, e.g. I led the pigeons to the flag for I pledge allegiance to the flag. —

When I was a child, I sometimes didn’t hear things the way I was supposed to. Of course, this may have been partly due to the heavy ear wax which plagued me back in those days. Like most boys, I had more than my share of the greasy stuff, and every Saturday night my mother would subject me to a weekly ear cleaning. This was performed with a Q-tip moistened with Johnson’s Baby Oil.… Read the rest

The Paradox Party

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

“Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise–why destroy yourself? Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool–why die before your time? It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes.” Ecclesiastes 7: 16-18

If I’ve learned one thing about doing eye exams it’s this: never discuss politics or religion with patients. Whenever a patient comes in with a particular political or religious rant and throws out the inevitable bait, “Whataya think about that doc?,”… Read the rest

Go Ahead, Make It My Day!

Hopefully by now your Thanksgiving bird is safely simmering away in a pan in preparation for the feast–and hopefully you have lived to tell the tale. As this disturbing image shows, turkeys are not the docile, lovable birds commonly depicted in popular literature and movies. No, they are fierce warrior fowl who would just as soon take an eye out with a razor-edged talon than to simply lie down in a pan and wait for everyone around the table to sing a paeon of praise about how juicy and tender this year’s “special guest” looks.

Having grown up in Southwest Virginia near the campus of Virginia Tech, I have known about the existence of these “fighting gobblers” all my life.… Read the rest

Catching the Beat of a Different Tune

Like many of you, most of my days are defined by the rhythm of work. I rise, prepare, go forth, do the deed, retreat to my lair and collapse. If you had asked me twenty years ago what my typical day would look like, I think that I would have probably painted a picture with a little more glamour and adventure. Rather than merely do a few ordinary eye exams, maybe I would also slay a dragon or two who might wander into the clinic, make a life-saving diagnosis at least every other day, and perhaps stop an armed robbery in progress at the local convenience store when I stop by to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home.… Read the rest

The Heartbreak of Presbyopia

As I type these words, my personal chronometer is starting its annual rotation–“44 years”–and the words on my computer screen are crystal clear. No haloes, no fuzz, no fuss. Through the miracle of modern optics, I’ve fooled my brain into thinking that it’s 1984 again, when my limbs were limber and my eyes as sharp as an eagle’s. All is quiet on the Old Age Front. Quiet, that is, as long as I keep my head completely still and my eyes perfectly centered through the sweet spots of my birthday present–a brand spanking new pair of progressive addition, “no-line” bifocals.… Read the rest